Tuesday, September 9, 2014

PARTY BOOKS

I.

We are at a party. I am having a good time because I am emotionally prepared, have had my one allotted beer, and know lots of people. Z is fine, as always. G is careening around, reminding me of Brownian Motion, not connecting.

He’s basically gorging on sweets and walking in circles around the perimeter of the party.

I know he feels overwhelmed, maybe lonely too.




                                                  Figure I – What a Party Can Feel Like with SPD



II.

G is swinging on a vine outside the party.

“That kid is weird,” says a young white girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old. Her two companions, same general description, nod their heads.

Why? WHY IS MY KID WEIRD? What did he do? Seems to me this vine-swinging is the most “normal” thing he’s done all night.



III.

G wants to leave, as he has from our moment of arrival. I try to buy some time outside. A family - mother, father and child - are standing nearby. The father takes the child, gets in the car and leaves. From the child’s posture, I sense exhaustion.  

“Too much?” I ask the mother.

“Yes,” she says.

“Sensory processing differences?” I wonder aloud, not entirely sure why…just a gut feeling…

”Oh yeah - ___ [her child] is definitely spectrumy.”

(Note: While not everyone with Sensory Processing Disorder {SPD -- which I prefer to call “Sensory Processing Differences,” by the way} is on the autism spectrum, most people on the spectrum do have Sensory Processing Differences. Both ASDs {autism spectrum disorders – though I do take issue with “disorders” in this label as well [another post!]} and SPDs share the aspect of being neurological – vs emotional or psychological – differences.)

But back to “spectrumy:” Yay.

Now we can talk. And we do. Our kids were in different grades at the same school, which is why we looked familiar to one another. At this party, while my G was blundering awkwardly around, her child was getting and expressing an overwhelmed feeling in other ways.

So we have this great bonding conversation about the kids’ social lives and our home lives and all...

…And then she says, “I wish I’d’ve just let ____ bring a book. Then this all would have been totally fine.”

“Whoah,” I shake my head. “G wanted to bring his book too, and I just wanted him to try this and be here, try to connect and talk to people and practice social skills…you know? And it’s been pretty rough…WHY DIDN”T WE JUST LET THEM BRING THEIR BOOKS?”

We sad-smile at each other.

They could have sat together, reading. I bet they would’ve been totally happy, not careening or leaving. I bet they would’ve had the best time.

Next time.




                                      Figure II – What having a Book at a Party Can Feel Like with SPD

Love,
Full Spectrum Mama







14 comments:

  1. I relate to this on so many levels. Just like the other parent at the party, we are all in the same "club" and only those in the club can fully understand! What I'm leaving with ... let them be how they are and not how society thinks they should be? Good reminder!

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    1. TOTALLY! It's the Extremely Cool book-reading club, by the way!
      Love,
      FSM

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  2. So many times I try to get my son to do the things the way I want him to do it. It makes life so much easier when I embrace how and what he wants and let him do it is own way.

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    1. So, so, soooooo true.
      I am tying to get better at distinguishing between what I want him to do for his or my (or others') comfort/convenience and what he REALLY needs to know how to do.
      Fine line, my friend.
      Love,
      FSM

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  3. Wow! As always, your posts really make me stop and think. So glad you were able to find someone else who "gets it" and can relate. And, truly, is it about having our child meet the expectations of others or is it about them finding their own comfort within the situation at hand? As you said, it is a fine line, but, in the end, if we're providing our children with the tools by which they can successfully navigate this world, then I say bring on the book club!

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    1. Big thanks, Jessica! What a kind thing to say.
      And books are tools, right? I mean, they saved my life -- that's why I write!
      Love,
      FSM

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  4. I'm so glad that you connected with another parent who understands. Slowly, we will educate the rest of the world. Let the kids read books.

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  5. Great piece. I often find that my wants and desires get in the way of what's truly best for my kids. It's a constant struggle. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes…well…there's always next time. :-)

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    1. Hah! Usually I'd prefer to be buried in a book myself, so maybe I was overcompensating?? Yes, there's always next time ;)
      Thanks, Jennifer!
      Love,
      FSM

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  6. Great post. The diagrams are perfect. Isn't it wonderful when you meet someone who "gets is?" I have met very few people in-person who do, but so many online. That's a start, I suppose.
    Thank you for sharing!

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    1. YES! "Meeting" people (like you) online has given me the strength to make it through to these precious, rare in-person encounters.
      Love,
      FSM

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  7. I relate...but still have a hard time letting my kiddo take a book to a party. I will promise to try harder at the next event where I don't want him to that I will let him try and see if the outcome is different or better.

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    1. Now there's a good idea. Because, you know, who knows if i am getting too hopeful here. On the other hand, following this experience, I am more than willing to try it out ;)
      Love,
      FSM

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