Tuesday, January 10, 2017

SHOULD I HAVE SAID SOMETHING?



“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.”



Late October. I am on a walk with my puppy, who has just been diagnosed with Lyme. I stop to chat with an elderly neighbor, and we get on to the topic of tick “prevention” meds, veterinary care in general…She knows I am a writer and editor and tells me I “should have been a vet - what with the cost of tick medicine…” She says her granddaughter wanted to be a vet but “instead works with autistic children,” and, “What a mistake! It would’ve been easier to work with animals!” As I often am in such situations, I am, briefly, paralyzed. I wonder if I should say something. And I choose not to do so. 

For one thing, my neighbor is elderly and I don’t want to seem confrontational. For another, I sometimes get tired of always having to explain things and advocate; I save that energy for where it really matters: primarily for school, family and close community, and for thinking about and researching G’s future options… 

Later I realize it seemed like it would have been an “easier” choice if she had said “women” or “Chinese people” instead of “autistic.” But it’s NOT. In some ways, there’s a big difference between a casual statement by a neighbor and bullying or discrimination…But in a very real way these are all on the same continuum. 

Dear Persons, I can think of so, so many similar instances when I have said something about injustice or discrimination or stereotyping and some where I have not . Times when I have been angry and said angry things. Times when I have been bullied for standing up for my child. Times when I have been articulate, convincing, empathy-inducing. Times when I  have been speechless, like when someone yelled a racist slur at my daughter, or just plain confused. It can be scary to speak up, and, although I usually don’t lack the courage, per se, my sensory processing differences (SPD) can mean that when I feel scared I can’t also process a coherent thought/response until after the moment has passed…


And then…the election. Even my readers abroad know which one I am talking about. 


This is a moment in history when it is important to be very clear and so I want to say something here. Here is one place I speak up, always. I cannot separate out whether my stance comes from having one child on the spectrum and one child who is a person of color (and many family members and close friends of color and/or of non-hetero orientation/identification and/or on the spectrum and/or of non-Christian religious affiliation…), but my stance and our stance as a family is very simple:

The Full Spectrum family stands with all people of color and the Black Lives Matter movement. We stand with the First Nations of the world in their struggles for recognition, sovereignty, and protection of lands. We stand with our brothers and sisters on the spectrum, our disabled brothers and sisters, our differently-abled brothers and sisters, our diffabled brothers and sisters. We stand with our immigrant brothers and sisters. We stand with our Muslim brothers and sisters. We stand with our Jewish brothers and sisters. We stand with all women, as well as with LGBTQIA communities, with all people who believe in equality and the right to choose who we love, who we want, what happens to our own bodies  - and, further, we believe in equality and the right to choose even for those who don’t agree with us

We stand with all oppressed peoples, as well as with all people with financial, white, or other privileges who believe in equality and use their privilege(s) for good. 

This goes beyond wearing a safety pin, attending protests, and writing postcards as part of the Local Love Brigade, to being willing to open our home and beyond. When they come for you, when you need solidarity, call us to your side.  

Would we hide you? Yes. 

This is one time our black and white thinking serves us: there’s no room for equivocation here.

We families who have significant differences from “the norm” are used to standing up for ourselves - and, often, others. We might sometimes be tired, but we are experienced advocates, sometimes to our own surprise. These skills are especially important now, as we see hate crimes and discrimination on the rise, and ignorance being celebrated.  Sure, many will not listen or truly hear us, but some people will, and that makes our efforts worthwhile.



Figure I - Not Saying Something vs. Saying Something


Should I have said something? Yes. Next time I will, even if it’s hard, even if I’m worn out, even if my voice shakes. 

I hope you will, too.

Love,
Full Spectrum Mama



P.S. Coming up in my next post: ways to say something!



Welcome to the Sensory Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from sensory bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have Sensory Processing Disorder and to raise a sensory kiddo!




14 comments:

  1. Great post! It's always hard to know when to say something and when not to!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!
      Well, I am going to try to come up with some strategies for effectively speaking up in almost any situation...
      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  2. A great, brave post, saying what needs to be said. As a shaky-voice-when-emotional type, I look forward to your upcoming strategies post. Your posts have the strong voice we all need. Thank you.
    -mf

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    Replies
    1. I'll look forward to it too - it will take some real thought!!! I have some ideas, but will be asking around, too, hint, hint.
      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  3. P.S. I LOVE the drawing.

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  4. This is such an important post, for so many reasons. As always, you make me pause and think. It's easy to talk about injustice and struggle online, or when we're advocating for our child in an IEP setting, etc, but it is hard when situations sneak up and surprise us, as your example with the elderly gentleman. I had something similar happen at a lunch with a group of teacher friends and colleagues. Someone who worked with me years ago was talking about her work with children in a classroom full of differently-abled children. "There's really nothing wrong with them," she told me. "They're just brats." Like you, the comment caught me off guard. Like you, I said nothing. But next time I will, even if my voice shakes. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Oh honey - isn't it SO TRUE: in those moments, whatever our motives, wherever our hearts are, we can be struck dumb (in the literal sense)...

      The current sociopolitical climate has convinced me, though, that that silence is a luxury - and a mistake!

      So, like many of us, I have resolved to find a way to respond that reflects my heart and real intentions. A work in progress!!!!

      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  5. Favorite post ever! Love your inclusiveness, we practice that here too. Can't wait to read the next one, and I do think we need to pick our battles sometime if only for our own sanity. That said, it's important to speak up as much as we can. Loved this and wish you were my neighbor!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading - and for your kind words!

      Yes, will include some ideas for choosing battles/less-involved or less- taxing ways to respond...

      Thanks and love, and same here - Inclusion-Equality Street, baby!
      FSM

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  6. That's a tough spot to be in, and no doubt your neighbor had no notion of how offensive she was being. For people who haven't had to endure a mental or neurological illness, or haven't watched a loved one struggle, the topic can often be approached with a degree of blitheness that seems extraordinary to those of us who have been through the ordeal. In general I've learned to pick and choose my battles, if only for the sake of conserving energy. It sounds like that's what you did here.

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    1. Thanks for reading, @BrightenedBoy.

      Absolutely. She had no idea. In my next post I will explain what happened, but it all ended well.

      Choosing battles! Good!

      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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