This note in Z’s handwriting was in the last round of paper
recycling:
“Dear evryone,
how know me
my family thinks that I don’t beylong on this family.
they hayt me”
I brought it up the day after I found it. Obviously lots to
talk about. But the first item of discussion regarded the top line(s).
“So…with ‘Dear everyone’…do you think you meant everyone on
earth?” I wondered.
She shrugged. Knowing Z, that was quite possible.
We pored over the next line, which neither of us could decipher.
And since Z did not remember writing the note, we were left to speculate.
Suddenly Z figured it out: she meant
“Dear everyone
who
knows me”!
Oh, right. That’s all.
“When do you think you might have written this?” I asked.
“When I was mad?”
“Why were you mad?”
“I dunno.”
“Do you think maybe it was because you did something you
shouldn’t have done and got busted and had consequences?”
“Maybe.” (Reluctantly.)
“Maybe?”
“Actually…Yes.”
“Do you think you got in trouble because we hate you and
don’t think you belong in this family or because of something you – who we love
and who belongs in this family - did?”
“Because of something I did?”
“Yes! That’s right!” Then, to be sure, I asked, “Do you ever
feel like we hate you or you don’t belong when you are not angry…like if you
are sad or even just on a regular day?”
“No!”
But is getting mad really the key issue here? I thought not:
“…Honey, do you ever feel upset because you were adopted?”
“No!!!!”…expressed with No hesitation.
“Oh.”
That was a few days ago.
Last night, Z was sent to bed after dinner because of Fresh
Attitude toward her brother and mother, despite several extra chances. She had
a giant tantrum, with lots of banging and throwing, and then she fell asleep.
Later, as I went upstairs to tuck in her brother, I found this note on the
landing:
“Dear Mama and [G].
i am relly sorry that I have been Bad for a long time.
i going to triy to be good but i don’t thik i can.
i love you both
[Z]”
The note was heartrending. No one has to my knowledge ever
told Z she was BAD! Plus, we always tell her she can do ANYTHING! It didn’t
seem to me that she was making excuses
either – she genuinely thought she might well be unable to “be good.”
A thoughtful reader JUST sent me this timely link: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/i-do-not-want-my-daughter-to-be-nice/?emc=eta1&_r=0
. We love and celebrate Z’s power; we never ask her to be “nice.” We only ask
that she treat the people around her with basic kindness (different from
niceness!) and respect. Sure, sometimes this doesn’t happen for a variety of
reasons, some of them “normal” and some of them “disordered.” Nonetheless,
she’s a terrific kid! How has she come to believe – at least in that moment –
that she is fundamentally and irreparably “Bad”?
Into the night, while practicing meditation, while trying
unsuccessfully to sleep, I kept asking myself, “What does she need? Does she
need me to be kind and encouraging? Strict and boundary-setting?” I thought of
different people I know and how they might approach the situation. Wise people.
Clever people.
And then I thought of all the people I know who, like Z,
question their place in the world and their own abilities.
For so many of us, the worst struggle we encounter is that
with ourselves. I see it with my students all the time: some students start
strong and then lose steam without family support or the confidence that they
can follow through; others begin with resistance, with the attitude that they
lack whatever it takes to learn. It’s not always possible for teachers to reach
students in these positions, hard as we may try. Feelings of trust (of self and others) and belonging can be elusive in ways that
are positively debilitating, especially for people with questions about their
place in their families and peer groups. Ideally, the basis for healthy
self-acceptance and –confidence and trust is established at home and in those early relationships
If only I could figure out how to approach Z’s notes and her
feelings of not being able to be good, not belonging, being “Bad,” maybe I
could spare her the persistence of some of these grueling conditions into
adulthood. Unconditional love and acceptance are always the way, right? But
does Z need “cut-the-malarky-and-just-be-good-y” unconditional love or
“I-acknowledge-your-deep-inner-pain-y” unconditional love? Both? Something
else?
…these are among the many questions I asked myself before
finally nodding off…
Wouldn’t you know it, all our energy this morning went to
getting out of the house, so what I did after all that ruminating was: nothing.
Then, moments ago, I got an email from a family member*
suggesting the CTFD Method, which seems enticing (http://jezebel.com/the-ctfd-method-is-the-greatest-of-all-parenting-trends-816536389?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews).
Dear everyone
who is reading this
if you have The Answer,
please do let us know.
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
