THE LINGO

Dear Persons,

A good friend texted me the other day to say her son had called someone a “midget” and that didn’t seem right to her. Did I know a better word? I didn’t, actually. I wrote back:

Oh dear. With these things I think the Most important thing is what the person him or her or their self wants to be called…Person-first language was/is a trend (person with autism, person with dwarfism...), but that hasn't entirely worked out either. I've heard "small person," but - ? Complicated. Pretty sure “midget” not good tho...

Have you read Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie?

The startling revelation in this book, for most people, is that being black is a thing in the United States in a way that it is not in Nigeria…We grapple with race in this country in ways that some other countries don’t, because of our terrible history of slavery, because of demographics, because of ongoing racism…In other places, other characteristics separate or unite people! Sometimes communities even form over shared differences - neighborhoods or meetings where people share certain qualities that may alienate them in the mainstream of a  given context. 

Being different is an issue only because, while we all live in somewhat diverse environments,  there are in every environment traits that most people share or that are considered “the norm,” such as heterosexuality, “typical” neurology, “white” skin, “black” skin, cys-gender identity, biological-family formation, “typical”family structure, “typical” ability, shared nationality, and so on…

This is changing. 

I see people noticing how random and inherently unimportant such aspects of people are; I see people celebrating diversity; and I see people trying to approach differences with more sensitivity. 

Parents of children with differences or people with differences are sometimes seen as “experts” on difference, but mostly we are just used to being thoughtful about such things in ways that can be new to some.  

So here’s my main suggestion: ask. 

Ask people what they want to be called. 

If you can’t ask, do the research to figure out the most respectful way to say what needs to be said.

Mostly, just try to see people as whole people, rather than reflections of a particular aspect of their being. 

Thanks and love,

Full Spectrum Mama

P.S. Even “Voices of Special Needs” might be taken as offensive by some: who is speaking for whom, and why are these needs “special?” As a neurodiverse person and a member of a family formed by adoption, I speak out about these topics as someone who is fundamentally enmeshed in such identities and speaking from personal experience only; I share our experiences in the interest of spreading understanding and awareness and inclusion. 

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

An InLinkz Link-up

FOURTH ANNIVERSARY LISTS III: CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES

Dear Persons,

We only have so much energy in life. In my last post, THE FULL BUCKET, I wrote about what happens when that energy is all used up. Choosing your battles is one way to ensure you avoid getting so drained that you are no longer able to function well...

This year, I will give two simple examples from the Full Spectrums: Armpits versus Teeth, and Grades versus Manners.

Choosing your battles doesn’t mean you abdicate any discussion of or efforts toward other areas of life – it just means you reserve your mightiest strength for those areas that seem most deeply important for yourself and/or your loved ones.

Here are two choices I’ve made for us:

            1. ARMPITS VERSUS TEETH

Middle schoolers stink. Even with deodorant. Especially if you start with the crunchy granola natural stuff. We are on the Old Spice Ultra-Chem Turbo Level by this point but it only gets applied, shall we say, intermittently. You see, my G has very, very little interest in hygiene. So if I want to be sure he is doing something hygiene-related, I have to supervise.

I stopped brushing teeth with G about a year ago, trusting that he would take responsibility for this important matter. We found out the hard way last fall – when he had to go under general anesthesia to have a tooth pulled --  that he was not ready to brush his teeth alone. Now we brush our teeth together again, with him leading. Ten brushes in each spot. This is non-negotiable.

Sure, I ask G to put on deodorant and ask him if he has done so...but with my limited time and energy, sometimes deodorant doesn’t happen. Tooth brushing does.

Always.

            2. GRADES VERSUS MANNERS

How many talks do your children really want to listen to? Z is one of those people who is able to excel at anything she cares to excel in...So her consistently getting all threes (“meets grade level expectations”) on her report card is...unexpected. Sure, I’ve talked with her about this – quite a bit.

But I reserve my most heated, heartfelt talks for the area of what I call “real manners” (i.e. the manners that are about kindness and respect, not the right fork). Because Z has grappled with an attachment disorder since she came home, she’s always had issues with feeling she doesn’t have enough, and with control. These factors come into play frequently when it comes to sharing and treating others with basic respect.

I know Z is a tough cookie who will always make her way successfully in the world, so I don’t lecture too, too much on grades and hard work. But for her to feel good inside -- and for others to feel comfortable around her -- she needs to learn to act with “real manners” in heart and mind. This, like tooth brushing, is non-negotiable, so I save my heartiest lectures for this subject.

Because I am not at her all the time about certain other stuff (grades, etc.), we are both able to be more fully present in this important, healing arena.

We are all works in progress. It matters that we take a little time to see where our efforts can be most effective – and to ponder what we most value.  This can vary, of course -- the key is to take a step back and determine which battle you will choose.

The next and final anniversary post will be the most popular, putrid  post of the year: THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT!!! We at FSM are a leetle behind this year on account of because life, so there’s still time to get your COMPLAINTS in!

Thanks and love,

Full Spectrum Mama