As anyone who deals closely with female
children knows, young girls can be difficult. There isn’t a whole lot of
“sisterhood” in upper elementary school, it’s more “survival of the fittest.”
And Z is fit, oh yes, very fit.
Accordingly, that social piece is not a big
fear for me, which is nice because for Spectrum Child Sr. it’s worrisome enough
for two. But some of my major concerns about Z are nonetheless directly related
to girlhood. I see her acting “cute” and using a demanding yet “girly” voice to
get what she wants from lots of other people and it makes me uncomfortable. The
undercurrent of my very visceral reactions to Z’s “bratty,” “manipulative,”
“sneaky,” “spoiled” behavior always seemed to me to be apprehension about her
Attachment Disorder and how it might affect her and make her act in these ways.
But my darling friend Wise Ayi recognized a deeper source and schooled me on
the root of these concerns.
I was telling Wise Ayi about a particular
interaction of Z’s that I had observed and how it set me on edge and – I felt –
reinforced Z’s unhealthy, Attachment-Disorder-related manipulative tendencies.
“Whoever that was with [Z] isn’t a
feminist. That’s what was really getting to you,” Wise Ayi explained. Her words
sank in with revelatory force, opening up a full-to-exploding can o’ worms.
I flashed on a big ol’ worm: the memory of
being at a celebratory dinner when Z’s brother G got his Orange Belt in Tae
Kwon Do. This was a huge occasion for G and I had invited my ex, who at the
time was dating a very skinny woman with a 13-year old daughter who’d recently
become alarmingly thin. We ordered scallion pancakes and my ex’s ex – in front
of both of our daughters (and my son) – started going off about how they were
“So fattening” and “all that saturated fat…”
I was furious! All I was able to spit out at the time was “Some fats are good for you!” but I was steaming for days over the prospect of ex's ex “infecting” Z with that kind of body consciousness. It was my first intense encounter – I live in a very progressive community – with the idea that Z could be indoctrinated into such destructive aspects of “normal” girl culture as healthy girls seeing themselves as (and being seen as) “fat,” as diets and appearance taking center stage in girls’ lives.
I was furious! All I was able to spit out at the time was “Some fats are good for you!” but I was steaming for days over the prospect of ex's ex “infecting” Z with that kind of body consciousness. It was my first intense encounter – I live in a very progressive community – with the idea that Z could be indoctrinated into such destructive aspects of “normal” girl culture as healthy girls seeing themselves as (and being seen as) “fat,” as diets and appearance taking center stage in girls’ lives.
But here in the manipulative, “cutesy” behavior
we were talking about demeanor, not exactly appearance – a more subtle thing,
but another worm nonetheless.
Wise Ayi was right, as she often is...When Z is
“sassy,” when she ends all her statements so they sound like questions, when
she strikes a pose after speaking, she is implicitly buying into the construct
that that is how girls get what they want. And it makes me cringe, -- partly
because of the Attachment Disorder aspect, but much more, I now realize,
because I am a feminist. Apparently, these affectations don’t make non-feminists
cringe – but I think they should.
We all suffer when one half of the population
is taught to be cute in order to get their way rather than owning their power.
Admittedly, in a way, this is a form of
misogyny on my part, in that I don’t want Z to use “feminine wiles” to get what
she wants. On the flip, non-mysogynistic side of this stance, I want her to
succeed on her own formidable skills and merit.
I don’t want my daughter’s power to be gendered
any more than it inherently will be by others – especially by her own actions.
“Feminist” should not be a dirty word or an
insult, though it is taken as such by many. But “bitch” sure is. The voice of
misogyny calls women in power “bitches.” Misogynous culture trains women with
one insidious tentacle to be coy and “sassy” -- while with another it slaps
them down for just such behavior.
Is it too idealistic or naive to hope that a
straightforward, strong person of any gender might avoid the moniker “bitch”?
Perhaps.
Still, I want my daughter’s voice and actions
to be as strong as her heart and mind. And I want her to CHOOSE her voice, even
to subvert stereotypes -- not be trained by those around her to be “cute,” or
celebrated and rewarded for being coquettish or cunning. And if she gets
called the F-word or the B-word along the way, I want her to have the true
meaning of the F-word – the knowledge (and the endeavor to disseminate this knowledge)
that women are equal to men, and deserve to be treated as such – to fall back
on… whatever she chooses to call herself.
Something funny happened on the way to this can
of worms: I realized that “girly” behavior and Attachment-Disordered behavior
have something extremely important in common:
The
impulse to get what you need by any means necessary. In case you can’t. In case
you don’t “deserve” it.
So, along with a strong voice, I want for my daughter
So, along with a strong voice, I want for my daughter
the inner knowledge to take root and to animate
her voice and heart
that she does
deserve
that she can
do
…anything
and everything.
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
Z's acting this way probably is more of a learned behavior from watching others at school and maybe on TV. If she sees some girls acting in a certain way and getting what they want from it (friends, attention, etc) she might consciously or unconsciously decide to perfect her own version of their behavior. I think it makes total sense that you want Z to find her own self, instead of just learning how to be a mirror image of what she thinks girls are supposed to be (either the "feminist" version or the "misogynist" version. I think you can help her with that by being a strong role model yourself (which I'm sure you already are) and maybe finding other role models for her, such as a mentor. Maybe you could help her find hobbies outside of school that would put her with groups of kids who are focused more on a certain activity and less on social status. I don't know... I was never very good at the social status thing, nor was i very interested... my Aspergers and ADHD left me clueless.
ReplyDeleteThank you ever so much for this wise comment, Angel - such fantastic suggestions!
DeleteThe imitative element definitely looms large here, even though we don't have tv.
My own differences left me clueless too and I sometimes worry that I am judging Z for what is "normal" ...but "normal" is Not necessarily healthy!!!!
In any case, she's so strong and perceptive about the social world (talk about alien - this is alien for me!) I have no doubt she'll be successful in the work and social worlds. Probably , her practical side has told her this way of acting is the most effective...as her mother I'd like her to think in ethical and personal terms as well...
Love,
FSM
I totally understand / makes me remember my own childhood Nd how much I resisted my mother 's super feminine wiles. And yes feminists were very looked down upon more than people realize today about that era (60's). We were referred to as women' s libbers...so perhaps Z inherited her social persona from great gram...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Isis! Then I will identify as a women's' libber as well...and continue to work with Z!!!!
DeleteLove,
FSM
Really relate to your reaction. Reminds me so much of my feelings as a child and teenager towards my mother's use of her feminine wiles.
ReplyDeleteAlso why would u want such a unique and brilliant child to go along with the group . Perhaps as she learns the styles she can just discard them !!!
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!!!!
DeleteLove,
FSM
Though feminism is mostly respected today, in my young womanhood it was pejoratively referred to as women's lib and women would be quick to deny they were "libbers"...so u want your daughter to benefit from the struggles of her family and not go back.
ReplyDeleteI do not consider myself a feminist, not because I do not believe that women are equal to men, but because I do not buy into the notion that gender-neutrality is the answer, nor do I buy into men-bashing as an equalizing strategy. The "cute" behaviors you described would make me cringe because they are manipulative, not because they are too "girlish."
ReplyDeleteI'll put it this way: I'm a work-at-home mom and my husband is a stay-at-home dad; we share the "powers" of our household and work together as an equal team; I use my strengths and he uses his. Some of those strengths are related to our gender and some are just a matter of personhood. The difference between genders is still very much present in our lives and still very real, whether you buy into gender indoctrination or not.
On the other hand, I was told as a child by a classic misogynist that I should strive to be a secretary, because I was a girl and because "writer" was an unrealistic aspiration.
You don't have to be a feminist to reject derogatory stereotypes; you have to believe in equality and human dignity...for everyone. Personally, I believe the -ists gets in the way of that. I would suggest "humanist," but that one is already taken and means something rather different.
Love It. Totally agree!!!! I don't believe in gender neutrality either - I think there's a whole huge spectrum on that too - some of which has little or nothing to do with the gendered body one is born with...I'd better write another post ;)
DeleteLove ,
P.s. Was thinking about this overnight and I think the reason I call myself a feminist is because I believe feminist-bashing is another type of misogyny. And! I really don't see feminism as inherently gender neuter at all - it's the equality piece that feminists agree on - perhaps very little else ;)
DeleteNeutral! (Writing on phone...)
DeleteMy opinion of feminism isn't related to feminist-bashing. It was formed by listening to "extreme" self-proclaimed feminists who considered themselves the leaders of the new generation of feminists. They engaged in male-bashing, seemingly because they had to put men down in order to feel better about being women--typical bullying behavior. If these women are the leaders of the feminist movement, then I can't take part of it, because I can't support that kind of behavior regardless of why they're doing it. (The same thing goes to those who engage in similar behavior against so-called neurotypicals. I realize it's usually done in parody, but that doesn't make it okay.)
DeleteThis is in contrast with my participation in the LDS church, where the women of the early church participated in getting women the right to vote, but didn't consider that the same as men (and not women) holding the priesthood of the church. The women I look up to are women who live(d) complicated, multi-role lives without feeling as if they had to give up their womanhood to do it. Nor did/do they use their sexuality as a manipulative women, which is the adult version of the behaviors you described in your daughter. Women should be able to be women without being threatened by and without threatening men.
At the same time, if a man does threaten me, then I'm more than happy to let my husband, my brother, or my father step in. I have no problem with opened doors or courteous behavior either. I don't feel threatened by it. At the same time, man or woman, if you're threatening my child(ren), you'll discover this mama bear has claws. :)
*shrugs* Gender is complicated. The world is complicated. Life is complicated. I don't have a problem with women who call themselves feminists and act as the word implies--as the equals of men. But male-bashing and the "neutering" of women is not something I'll go along with in the least. As long as feminists engage in that behavior, then I won't be one.
Dear Stephanie,
DeleteI have to say, once again, that I Totally agree with you. Above all, I share your fear and suspicion of any hegemonic, bullying, "normalizing" herd mpulse!!!! What a complex and truly fascinating conversation! The main analytical ifference I see between us is that one of us decided to use the F-word for herself and one didn't...but I still think it's a really important debate and I'm so glad were having it!
Love,
FSM
I suspect the way you feel about the F-word is the way I feel about the N-word. Of course, I'm talking about neurodiversity. If you parse the word and its implications, then it means neurological diversity and the support for neurological diversity. In practice, it should be an inclusive term and that's how I choose to use it, even though others choose to claim it for autism/aspies and only, really, those who are high-functioning and durn neer superior.
DeleteI don't choose not to use the word just because they warp it to suit their own agenda. I don't know. I think the difference is having heard a comedienne about talking feminism to an extreme. Let's just say I cannot tolerate jokes that involve perpetuating the sins of Pharaoh. I realize, of course, that she wasn't serious. The point, though, is that they--the room full of self-proclaimed feminists--laughed.
Love this! And I can see the similarities in our girls as I read this.
ReplyDeleteAh yes! That is what I meant! Slooowly catching up here - thanks for the comment and let's keep in touch!!! I know my bff didn't send me your post for nothing ;)
Delete