Tuesday, January 12, 2016

BOUNDARIES


“F*cked up people will try to tell you otherwise, but boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and they teach you how to respect yourself.”


Dear Persons,

Boundaries keep us healthy.

Boundaries can be any shape (including partially open), thick, thin, obvious, subtle, situational, universal, expressed, internal, pleasing and convenient for others– or not, ordinary, extraordinary, permanent, flexible, temporary,...Boundaries can and should be of any type that promotes our health and healthy relationships. Boundaries consider and encompass ourselves and others as PERSONS.


Figure I – Visual Rendering of a Full Spectrum of Boundaries

A lack of boundaries finds an interesting overlap between neurodiverse people, who, for a variety of reasons, may be unaware of the possibility/necessity of certain boundaries, and unhealthy-to-toxic families, where vulnerable members (such as children, or, sometimes [and by no means only], women) may be abused or exploited partially because of weak or nonexistent boundaries in the family dynamic.

People who desire full health can learn about healthy boundaries and enact them. This can be challenging, especially at first, because new routines and behaviors always are (hello, transitions!), but also because sometimes others may take boundaries as a personal offense, or as selfish, or a burden.

Refer those chumps to the above quote. .

Basic well-being in life also embodies healthy boundaries (eating habits, personal safety, fitness...). For people who are highly sensitive, people with sensory processing differences, and people on the autism spectrum, among others, healthy boundaries may further include a diverse range of choices, such as:

* Not shopping at big box stores (this may hold, too, for people who have boundaries around consumption, or around economic ethics regarding working conditions of employees and/or manufacturers);
* Limiting the number of steps in any set of instructions, whether at school, work, or home;
* Allowing fidgets, pressure devices, what-have-you to be integrated in the classroom or workplace;
* Limiting or specifying social interaction;
* Avoiding fluorescent lighting, certain smells, loud noise, crowds....
* Finding mutually satisfying means of communication;
* Choosing clothing, food, etc. that does not hurt, distress, or irritate us;
* Deciding the conditions under which we will choose to share our unique circumstances and needs...


We have the inherent right to deduce and determine what feels safe, healthy, and appropriate in our lives. We can and should ask those who value our mutual health and relationships or who are charged with our wellness, working conditions, and/or education (and/or the education and/or care of our children!), to honor those boundaries.

Incidentally, healthy boundaries also allow us to more abundantly exude and take in all the good stuff.

















Figure II – 
Person with Healthy Boundaries Enjoying The Good Stuff





















I never knew all this; that’s why I am sharing.

Love,
Full Spectrum Mama

[EDIT, 1/13: My dear online friend Kmarie  Audrey posted this deeply thoughtful and interesting post after reading the above: 
http://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2016/01/boundaries-christianity-grace-and.html]



Welcome to the Sensory Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from sensory bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have Sensory Processing Disorder and to raise a sensory kiddo!


16 comments:

  1. Loved this. Its what I have had to learn from therapy. Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud is an excellent book on this topic!:)

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    1. Thank you my dear - will definitely check it out!!!
      Love,
      FSM

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  2. I also posted and linked you in my post about boundaries. Please comment and tell me your thoughts if you have the time ect. I would love to hear someone else's opinion on the post

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    1. WOW. Linking here and also in post. Just - WOW.
      http://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2016/01/boundaries-christianity-grace-and.html

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  3. Yes!
    I feel like I need to print this post and tape it to my fridge as a reminder. Thank you.
    - mf

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  4. What an important topic! Boundaries are so important for all the reasons you so explained...and more! It is particularly hard when we are defining new boundaries when it comes to loved ones, but I am in the camp that believes that we shouldn't force our children to give (insert any adult/relative/person here) a hug just because it makes Grandma happy. Our children (and we ourselves) need to learn our bodies well enough to set limits. I worry about that if we teach our kids to comply no matter what an adult says, then our children will not know how to set boundaries when it really matters. This also speaks to self-advocacy, so that our children (and again- we ourselves) can speak up and set boundaries when needed in the classroom, community, and world. Thanks as always for a thought-provoking post!

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    1. ABSOLUTELY!! There's a fine line here - and what I am learning is we know deep down what is healthy and safe for our selves, our bodies. Teaching our children (and ourselves, as the case may be) to sense and honor those feelings (however they come through - THAT's another post!) is so important.
      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  5. I don't think my last comment went through but I hope its ok I linked you on my blog...I would love to hear your thoughts there if you get a minute sometime!

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    1. Going to look now and link back xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

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  6. We work very hard on having boundaries in our house. My youngest is a hugger -- and oh my goodness that's tough for my older tactile-defensive dude. They have worked out their own set of boundaries that work for them.... boundaries are not about keeping people out but figuring out a comfortable way to let them in.

    Jennifer @ The Jenny Evolution

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    1. ...when possible ;)
      So great that you are teaching healthy boundaries from an early age - they will both benefit!!!!
      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  7. Boundaries...trying to get my 3 yo to understand my son's boundaries...especially when it comes to things that upset him...leaves me wanting to form physical boundaries that keeps everyone out...lol! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Hah - well that's another post, too - how, when we learn that there CAN BE boundaries...how do we then not sometimes wish for stronger-than-necessary boundaries a la "Mommy needs a full week of alone time to feel healthy" - hahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
      Thanks and love,
      FSM

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  8. SanPhlegs mark their boundaries with tape. ChlorMels mark them with barbed wire.

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    1. I MUST KNOW MORE! ...WE! must know more...Intrigued.

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