I recently read a book review by a person with
sensory processing differences bemoaning a new compilation of essays by people
on the spectrum as basically all stuff she’d heard before. It’s true: so many
blogs and books are about similar things. Still, as a teacher (of yoga as well
as academics), I know full well that it can take a lot of repetition for things
to get through to people.
Another point in favor of repetition: Sometimes
hearing things slightly differently, or from a different source, makes all the
difference. I still remember the first time I really heard a yoga teacher say, “breathe deeply,” despite the fact
that I’d probably been instructed to do so a bajillion times before. A
particular iteration just might be the one that - finally, truly - gets through
to someone.
As well, I applaud the normalization of the
conversation itself! Another post about why someone needs earplugs or a
weighted blanket or a sensory break?…Sigh? Or be glad that these adaptations
are being integrated into the realm of “whatever” (as opposed to
“weirdo-land”)?
In that vein, I offer my take on families and
friends learning about difference:
A friend posted this question on facebook:
·
Hey friends, I'd like to know how you talk to
your kids about people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. I'm
finding the "difference" language, which I generally like and feel is
empowering, to be somehow problematic.
[Her son] knows that there are lots of ways people can
be different, that some people are born different and some people look or act
different because of something that happens in life (like veterans who use
prosthetics). If I know someone's diagnosis (like Down's Syndrome), I use that
in a matter-of-fact way, explaining what it is and how it happens.
The issue is when I don't know what someone's
difference is diagnosed as, but I want to talk about that person with [son], so
he can be sensitive to them. I want him to know it's okay to ask me any
questions he might have. I don't see how he can stand up to any bullying of
kids who are different if he thinks it's something so shameful we don't talk
openly about it.
Thoughts? Advice?
Here’s what I said [combined and slightly
edited for clarity]:
Great question and obviously one we deal with
for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways in our family. I do agree
that a matter-of fact attitude is so important in most observation of others.
Anything from "Oh, so and so sometimes shouts," to “Yup, looks like that
kid has only one arm…” to “Yes, some people think it is important to wear
clothing with a brand name on it,” can be shared in a neutral and implicitly
inclusive way. There might be some judgment or question appended – “Does that
hurt your ears?” “Do you think brand names are important?” “How do you think
she feels if people stare at her?” –
that is likewise implicitly inclusive in that it does not intentionally
refer to the “normalcy” of the observed trait.
One major caveat when it comes specifically to
“disability:” Many people one might label as disabled might disagree with that
label. They might feel they are differently-abled, or even superiorly-abled, or
completely normal in their own way….
Because there are two key underlying things
here:
how
people see themselves
and
how
they are seen by others.
Obviously you want [your son] to know that all
beings are worthy of kindness and respect (I hate "tolerance" [although
I know it's meant well in theory, I find it condescending in practice])
including himself (who, as a male of color, will have his work cut out for him
in some arenas...). This kindness and respect model encompasses both how he
sees himself and how he sees others, and naturally
integrates how others themselves might want to be seen, right?
What I try to convey is that Everybody
is different...and everybody is equally worthy of kindness and respect. Having
an autistic kid and a kid of color that's already been kind of an inevitable issue
and we have our teachable moments at home as well as on the town. Sometimes
they are painful. (And, by the way, there are those rare exceptions to these
ideals of neutral observation and kindness and respect for all: those sorry-as$
people who do not treat us or others with kindness and respect [because they
are “hurting in their hearts”] need to be treated with kindness and respect
from a very long distance…)
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying:
if Everybody
is different,
then "different in the way her mind [body,
etc] works" or "from a different
culture"
(or whatEVER)
becomes
simply one difference among an infinite realm of possibility.
It’s a pretty ordinary point for those of us
accustomed to daily life with “extraordinary” differences in our midst. But the
implications are grand: with everybody being different, there is no homogeneous
“normal” against which we all must be judged.
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
