As anyone who deals closely with female
children knows, young girls can be difficult. There isn’t a whole lot of
“sisterhood” in upper elementary school, it’s more “survival of the fittest.”
And Z is fit, oh yes, very fit.
Accordingly, that social piece is not a big
fear for me, which is nice because for Spectrum Child Sr. it’s worrisome enough
for two. But some of my major concerns about Z are nonetheless directly related
to girlhood. I see her acting “cute” and using a demanding yet “girly” voice to
get what she wants from lots of other people and it makes me uncomfortable. The
undercurrent of my very visceral reactions to Z’s “bratty,” “manipulative,”
“sneaky,” “spoiled” behavior always seemed to me to be apprehension about her
Attachment Disorder and how it might affect her and make her act in these ways.
But my darling friend Wise Ayi recognized a deeper source and schooled me on
the root of these concerns.
I was telling Wise Ayi about a particular
interaction of Z’s that I had observed and how it set me on edge and – I felt –
reinforced Z’s unhealthy, Attachment-Disorder-related manipulative tendencies.
“Whoever that was with [Z] isn’t a
feminist. That’s what was really getting to you,” Wise Ayi explained. Her words
sank in with revelatory force, opening up a full-to-exploding can o’ worms.
I flashed on a big ol’ worm: the memory of
being at a celebratory dinner when Z’s brother G got his Orange Belt in Tae
Kwon Do. This was a huge occasion for G and I had invited my ex, who at the
time was dating a very skinny woman with a 13-year old daughter who’d recently
become alarmingly thin. We ordered scallion pancakes and my ex’s ex – in front
of both of our daughters (and my son) – started going off about how they were
“So fattening” and “all that saturated fat…”
I was furious! All I was able to spit out at the time was “Some fats are good for you!” but I was steaming for days over the prospect of ex's ex “infecting” Z with that kind of body consciousness. It was my first intense encounter – I live in a very progressive community – with the idea that Z could be indoctrinated into such destructive aspects of “normal” girl culture as healthy girls seeing themselves as (and being seen as) “fat,” as diets and appearance taking center stage in girls’ lives.
I was furious! All I was able to spit out at the time was “Some fats are good for you!” but I was steaming for days over the prospect of ex's ex “infecting” Z with that kind of body consciousness. It was my first intense encounter – I live in a very progressive community – with the idea that Z could be indoctrinated into such destructive aspects of “normal” girl culture as healthy girls seeing themselves as (and being seen as) “fat,” as diets and appearance taking center stage in girls’ lives.
But here in the manipulative, “cutesy” behavior
we were talking about demeanor, not exactly appearance – a more subtle thing,
but another worm nonetheless.
Wise Ayi was right, as she often is...When Z is
“sassy,” when she ends all her statements so they sound like questions, when
she strikes a pose after speaking, she is implicitly buying into the construct
that that is how girls get what they want. And it makes me cringe, -- partly
because of the Attachment Disorder aspect, but much more, I now realize,
because I am a feminist. Apparently, these affectations don’t make non-feminists
cringe – but I think they should.
We all suffer when one half of the population
is taught to be cute in order to get their way rather than owning their power.
Admittedly, in a way, this is a form of
misogyny on my part, in that I don’t want Z to use “feminine wiles” to get what
she wants. On the flip, non-mysogynistic side of this stance, I want her to
succeed on her own formidable skills and merit.
I don’t want my daughter’s power to be gendered
any more than it inherently will be by others – especially by her own actions.
“Feminist” should not be a dirty word or an
insult, though it is taken as such by many. But “bitch” sure is. The voice of
misogyny calls women in power “bitches.” Misogynous culture trains women with
one insidious tentacle to be coy and “sassy” -- while with another it slaps
them down for just such behavior.
Is it too idealistic or naive to hope that a
straightforward, strong person of any gender might avoid the moniker “bitch”?
Perhaps.
Still, I want my daughter’s voice and actions
to be as strong as her heart and mind. And I want her to CHOOSE her voice, even
to subvert stereotypes -- not be trained by those around her to be “cute,” or
celebrated and rewarded for being coquettish or cunning. And if she gets
called the F-word or the B-word along the way, I want her to have the true
meaning of the F-word – the knowledge (and the endeavor to disseminate this knowledge)
that women are equal to men, and deserve to be treated as such – to fall back
on… whatever she chooses to call herself.
Something funny happened on the way to this can
of worms: I realized that “girly” behavior and Attachment-Disordered behavior
have something extremely important in common:
The
impulse to get what you need by any means necessary. In case you can’t. In case
you don’t “deserve” it.
So, along with a strong voice, I want for my daughter
So, along with a strong voice, I want for my daughter
the inner knowledge to take root and to animate
her voice and heart
that she does
deserve
that she can
do
…anything
and everything.
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
