Parents who have children who were adopted from orphanages
often have to ‘teach’ their children to acknowledge pain to themselves and to
express pain to others. Although Z came into our family at only nine months of
age, she had already learned not to react to her body being hurt, or to express
hunger or thirst through a baby’s only language (tears).
Instead, she expressed herself primarily through screaming
if being put down at any time. Once she found someone to hold her at length, a
single person devoted only to her and her brother (to whom she was immediately
attached as well), she was not about to be abandoned. This was particularly
acute during her first weeks with her family, during which not only did she
demand to be held at all times but also to be walked around while being held, resulting in SEVERE sleep
deprivation for all concerned.
Arriving home, we embarked upon a plan. I had heard that
children whose most basic needs for comfort have not been met may present a
range of developmental and emotional challenges and I had bright ideas to “fix”
some of these potential issues. Reacting to pain came first: a strategy of
exaggerated response to any possible injury quickly taught Z that if something
happened to her that potentially did not feel good, and there was someone
nearby to help, she could get a response to her feelings and be the beneficiary of comfort measures, such as an ice pack or
the proverbial band-aid.
To this day, though, Z doesn’t even blink an eye at pain
when she thinks no one is looking! I have watched from the kitchen window as
she has fallen – hard, or been accidently but vigorously wacked with something
from afar by her clueless brother. She never makes a sound…or even a face. I wonder: did she somehow never
develop some important aspect of the neurology to feel pain because of those
early months of neglect? Is she just brave as heck? Does she feel the pain, but
less?
G and I, being highly sensitive personages, have to work
really hard not to scream when we, like, step on a stray drop of water (no -
really), so this is definitely a germane question in the Full Spectrum family.
Whereas a casual hidden observer could probably catch G or I
writhing privately in agony several times a day, I’d wager that observer would
never see the same in Z. Z has learned that public expression of discomfort
leads to results, but when there is nothing to “gain” by reacting, she seems to
have decided not to waste her energy.
Similarly, she doesn’t seem to notice hunger or thirst
unless in the environs of potential indulgers, in which case she will avail
herself of various and sundry treats. G and I, within an hour or two of not
eating, invariably find ourselves starving, even trembling, with hunger. Much
longer and we become vague, lightheaded, nauseous. I happen to be hypoglycemic,
and G may be too; perhaps equally significant is the fact that we both had our
needs met as infants. Our physiology (sensitive) and our early environments
(sensitive to our needs) matched.
Z, in contrast, seems to be able to function indefinitely
without eating, unless food is offered to her. That is, her energy stays high,
her focus sharp, her spirits strong -- whether she eats regularly or
not…[Obviously, I haven’t performed experiments on her, I am going on seven+
years of observation.] It’s hard to imagine she could be experiencing hunger in
the profound and extreme way that G and I do and still function so well, but,
as must be asked vis-à-vis her pain, doesn’t she feel some hunger? She knows her situation now is one in which her needs
can be met, and yet she still self-limits on those needs…unless – and this is a
real possibility -- her physiology just really is that different.
That her response varies so widely according to context
potentially indicates a reduced sensitivity to her own body’s cues and/or a self-imposed
(conscious or un-) denial of self-nurturing and/or a really advanced mastery of
social capital. Would Z be more sensitive overall, and therefore more
vulnerable, had she been nurtured differently in her first months?
People sometimes ask me to blurb their books or products or
blogs on this blog and I recently agreed to read a novel about reactive
attachment disorder (RAD) by a reader named Michelle Weidenbenner. Her book is
called Scattered Links (http://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Links-Michelle-Weidenbenner-ebook/dp/B00HP3X6R4)
and it is about a Russian orphan’s journey. I haven’t finished it (and it seems
to have some Christian undertones, which may be a plus or a minus or neutral
for different readers), so I haven’t yet got a blurb. I was struck powerfully,
though, by this sentence from the preface, which is written in the orphan’s
voice:
“We never learn how to ask for what we need because when we
do, no one listens.”
I’d never connected Z’s inability to acknowledge pain or
hunger with her inability to ask for what she needs or wants. Z’s refusal to
ask for things comes across as regal, but it’s at base a survival strategy, a sad
concession to a disappointing start.
The other day we saw a “Wild Women Don’t Get the Blues”
bumper sticker and Z asked what it meant. I explained that women have often
been taught to do as they are told and that doing so, just for the sake of
obedience, makes women unhappy. Women should follow their own dreams and
beliefs, I told her, and then they won’t get “the blues.” But sometimes the
other people who make the rules -- and the other people who follow the rules -- don’t like when you
make your own rules, and they might call you “wild” or “different” or “crazy,”
even. And that’s okay, because you will be happier -- and stronger -- for
following your own heart.
Of course, she’s still too young to make up her own rules.
And I assured her I still get to boss her around for a Long Time. But I want
her to know, and I will continue to say to her:
if something (or someone!) hurts you, or if you are hungry for
something, speak up, my daughter!!!! How we feel – in our hearts, our bellies,
our bodies, our beliefs – matters. YOU
MATTER.
Now, let’s eat!
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
