Second Anniversary Lists II: Attachment Disorders

I posted my first second-anniversary list, on Advocacy, about two weeks ago. Immediately following that post, I had a startlingly depressing IEP meeting, hence, the delay in this second list – and this disclaimer: none of us knows what to do all the time! Sometimes life is hard, and there are major and minor disastrophes, however hard we try.

It was “funny” to have this second second-anniversary post in the back of my mind as I endured one of the most attachment-disordered weekends we have had in recent memory.  The drama was epic, with violent and threatening tantrums starting Friday afternoon - and the consequences (effective or not) were many. Still, I stand by my lists – I just may need to adhere to them with more vim and acumen myself!

This time last year, I wrote about attachment disorders in general and listed some of the things I wished I’d known about them before embarking on some painful and discouraging times with very little knowledge of how to help my child. I had moments of desperation, regret and despair that I would not wish on anyone. If you are looking for general definitions and tips, or are new to attachment disorders, here is the link to that post: http://fullspectrummama.blogspot.com/2013/01/first-anniversary-lists-ii-attachment.html.

This year, I decided to write about our current state of slightly more advanced (partly more healed…and partly more “subtle,” as fine-tuned by Herself, La Z) mild to moderate* attachment disordered-ness.

Thoughts on “Advanced”Attachment Disorders

1. Therapeutic Parenting helps.

Thanks to what we’ve learned and implemented about therapeutic parenting, Z’s tantrums are down to once a week or less. They usually (usually – hahahaaaaaa) occur on Sundays, when we have spent what feels to G and me like a relaxing weekend. While G and I both desperately need such extended sensory/social breaks, they entail much less stimulation/world domination than Z, even on a purely kinesthetic level, craves and needs. Either “side” usually has to compromise on a given day, but on slow weekends tantrums are likely…Less likely, however, than they were during the Pre-Therapeutic Parenting Era!

2. The Sooner the Better.

I know: they say this with ALL interventions…And sometimes you just don’t know what is going on.  (For example, G wasn’t diagnosed with autism until second grade.) But if you do know that your child has an attachment disorder, and are dilly-dallying…Don’t. I know single moms who are raising teenagers with attachment disorders -- big, male teenagers – and it’s a lot harder to tackle in that dynamic than it is for me with Ms. Puny Stuff over here.

3. Cycles/Patterns.

It’s so important to bear cycles and patterns in mind when things seem bleak: change will come, for better or worse (hopefully the former!).  Z, as I have explored at length elsewhere on this blog, has certain times of year (spring in particular) and certain types of events (holidays) that seem to trigger her most disordered behavior. Other times, we may have positively peaceful stretches; these are what we look forward to – if we can remember to do so – when times are rough.

4. Presumed Omniscience.

Presumed omniscience seems to be a hallmark of many people with attachment disorders, including Z. I’ve recently had to disavow her of the habit of saying “I was thinking that,” or, alternatively, “I was just about to say that,” every few minutes. She tells her friends she has done/seen [fill-in-the-blank] “about a thousand times.” Also, she openly pities those pathetic and inferior individuals – and this is not limited to fellow children -- who have not done/seen/known [fill-in-the-blank].

“I’ll be the mom” is a phrase that is in common usage chez the Full Spectrum, especially when Z (8) mimics my instructions to G (12) regarding his “teenager practice” activities (you know, eye-rolling, grunted replies to all questions, slouching at all times…). As one might imagine, G does not take kindly to his bossy peanut of a sister’s reprimands.

Omniscience also encompasses the alleged inability to make (admit) mistakes. So when Z and I are working together on learning a new skill, say…sewing, mistakes are not made in the usual sense. Rather, the thread often “needs help” – or the fabric “has a problem.”

This omniscience may represent efforts to make sense of a world that feels unstable. It’s something we, as individuals with attachment disorders (or in interactions with those who have an attachment disorder), or as parents of children with attachment disorders, should consider.

5. Control.

Children and adults with AD may feel the need to control their environments because on a very basic level they feel unsafe. Although the connection may not always be evident, that fear impels a state of constant inner vigilance and is expressed in controlling behaviors.

If we don’t have any potential human servants non-family people at the house, much of the time Z spends at home is spent corralling one or both of our cats. She will – for long stretches of time - hold one cat very close and march him or her around the house, ignoring any wiggling or desire to escape, and “showing” him or her the views out of our windows and so on. Alternatively, she will bring both cats into a small, enclosed space and “play” with them.

We have really nice cats.

Adults need to set impeccable boundaries so that, on the one hand, a child with these challenges may feel more safe and, on the other, the child (and their pet{s}) really is safe. With attachment-disordered adult relationships, this may be more tricky. In my experience, though, the principles of boundaries and consistency will hold across quite a Full Spectrum and so it certainly cannot hurt to try this sort of healing work.

Here is a really fascinating example of boundary setting: last night, I politely asked Z to put away the deck of cards with which she was playing. She continued to spread out the cards. I reminded her of my request and she explained that she “wanted to show [me] the cards.” I insisted that she do as I had asked. Therapeutic parenting? Done! For that moment at least…

As potentially boring, relentless and annoying as such boundaries may feel in their enactment – and from day to day it can feel endless -- these baby steps help heal that frightened impulse toward constant control.  

6. Subversion.

The first thing I learned about therapeutic parenting was that everything I was doing as a progressive, choice- and respect-offering parent was wrong. To put it in less-loaded language, it was not working. My child needed me to set strong boundaries and make most choices on her behalf in order to feel safe and learn to trust. Bit by bit I got this down. But Shawty is SMART. She turned it around on me!

Ergo:

Z: “Can I go in [G]’s room?”

Mama: “Sure.”

Z: “Can I take three steps in the hallway?”

Mama: “Z, come on.”

Pause.

Z: “Mama!…Mama! Can I walk through his door?”

Or--

Mama, shouting (nicely) upstairs to bathroom while doing 17 other things: “[Z], please wash your hair now!”

Z: “Okay.”

One minute later, Z again: “Mama?”

Mama makes way back to bottom of stairs from doing 19 things: “Yes?”

Z: “Should I now rinse my hair?”

I think you can see where I am going with this.

[Insert informative “Answer Section” with instructions on how to handle this development.]

7. Refusal to Ask.

Does Z need me to charge one of her contraptions? Does another toy need batteries? Does she know how to sew a complicated project without ever having been taught? Is there something important that she wishes or requires? I won’t know unless I ask her. Because she Will. Not. Ask. For. Anything (Help-Related). See: Control. See: Presumed Omniscience…

That being said…is this an “Attachment Disorder” thing? Or is it…

8. Temperament

Z is a strong personality in a family of strong personalities. It’s hard to imagine she would have been the shy, retiring type under any circumstances. Some of Z’s less-pro-social behaviors are personality-derived, some are rooted in her attachment disorder. I have to try to strike that elusive balance between accepting Z as she is – obviously not a unique issue in any relationship -- and helping her to heal those aspects of her being that are affected by her attachment disorder. Whereas with G, who has aspergers syndrome, I use general health-promoting practices and promote radical acceptance of neurodiversity, I do actively want to “cure” Z of her attachment disorder, insofar as that is possible. As we grow together, I hope all the different parts of Z’s life  - personality, environment, history, dreams… -- will come together in increasingly healthy ways.

The main themes here can be summed up in a two concepts:

TRUST – and trust promoting actions, and

BOUNDARIES – and setting them consistently.

This latter should, ideally, set a foundation for the former. NB: this process may unfold in a remarkably extended and painstaking fashion! I hope someday Z, as her trust in the world grows, will be able to look upon such things as letting go a bit, or needing help, or not knowing something as normal human activities – both in herself and in others.

Meantime, do you know everything? Do you never need to ask for information or help? Do you never make mistakes? Are you in command and control at all times? Do you not need new batteries? Just in case the answer to any of these is “no,” I will leave you, dear reader, with these words, uttered by Z when I lost a mean game of Apples to Apples: “Sorry you’re kind of a loser.”

Coming Soon: Anniversary List III: Choosing Your Battles…

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

* I have written elsewhere on the differences between severe and mild attachment disorders, and there is much available on this subject online. Z has what is known as a “mild to moderate” attachment disorder.

INTERLUDE: THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Because FSM has gotten a teeeensy bit behind in her List Writing, there’s still time to submit your COMPLAINTS of any stripe. They can be funny or sincere or sad or…Please email them to me at jineffable@gmail.com.

And as a special treat, here is a COMPLAINT from moi-self:

COMPLAINT: Why is autism often used as a casual literary device to signify something one does not want? Then it jumps out at you unexpectedly when you are reading to try to chill out?? And, thus, you are no longer chillaxin’???

Examples from the last few weeks alone:

In Anna Quindlen’s memoir, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, right there on page 119, with no warning: “I remember the profound, almost physical relief sense of relief I felt when I understood that our sons and daughter did not have colic, were not autistic, showed no signs of adolescent mental illness.”

In Claire Messud’s novel, The Woman Upstairs, all nonchalant, about someone with unacknowledged, un-wiped soup on his chin: “Or maybe he’s from outer space or like a person with autism” (p. 120).

In the 11/18/13 New Yorker (yes, I am always 6-8 weeks behind), in Jeffrey Eugenides’ short story, “Find the Bad Guy:” ”You’re old. Your sperm are old. Baby might come out autistic” (p. 74).

SUBCOMPLAINT: It’s used casually to “sell, sell, sell” as well. Yesterday, I saw this on the ad side of my facebook page:

Chartered

Asperger Experts

Why is it so hard for people with Asperger's to succeed in life? http://www.aspergerexper...

I don’t want to think about that sometimes-true statement while I am using one of my four free minutes a day to ogle my best friend’s new baby pix. Why can’t I just get your simple “Lose weight kwik” and “Ever get that not-so-fresh feeling” ads? ”Learn a New Career”/”Triple Your Income in Three Days”-type solicitations? Or even “Experiencing Erectile Dysfunction?”

Please, world, let us relax, read and ogle in peace. Spare us the gratuitous references. Try to sell us only things we want to foolishly spend our money on to feel happy, fit, rich and virile all the time. And calm!

Thanks!

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

Second Anniversary Lists I: Advocacy

This time last year, we had just fought a grueling but successful battle to retain G’s IEP. He’d erroneously been tested for reading and math – his two best subjects – and been removed from eligibility because of the not-surprisingly good results of those tests…Meanwhile, he was barely able to write a word, a sentence, a paragraph…

We’d “won” that fight, with the help of his teachers and principal, following a lot of foot dragging from the district; what we still had to contend with a year ago was a relatively homogenous school environment and a child who struggled with expressing himself coherently in writing and felt bullied every day.

I shared what I learned from that intense experience in this post: http://fullspectrummama.blogspot.com/2013/01/first-anniversary-lists-i-advocacy.html. If you are looking for basic tips on advocacy, this post is the place to go. Please see the list toward the end for my pointers on dealing with bureaucracy, and IEP and 504 meetings, and addressing your child’s/children’s needs in institutional settings.

In retrospect, I can see that – much as I adore and respect the heck out of him -- beyond words!  Puh-lease!!!! -- on a subconscious level I was seeing G as in some small way a part of “The Problem.”  Now that he is in a more diverse environment, with students who are comfortable with a mix of people, and teachers and administrators who are accustomed to kids on the autism spectrum, a lot of things have eased up. 

As always, this is what worked for our family. In the balance, making the choice to move our entire existence was the right one for us. It was also a huge gamble, a chance not all families are able to make (and we have BARELY made it -- whew!) -- and one that I am happy to say paid off in our case. Autism was less common in G’s old school and this impacted every level of his experience, from institutional to educational to social. Obviously, G is still on the spectrum, but his present school is more of a spectrum too. For him, for us, this works.

And so, without further ado, my first second anniversary list:

School Advocacy II

1. Context matters. A tiny, cozy school where everybody knows everybody might be the right one for your child. Homeschooling might be the right choice for your family. Or perhaps your child will do best in a big school with lots of services and a wide-ranging student body. Maybe an alternative/private school might be your chosen option, if you can afford it, or are able to access scholarships or school district support. My point: the impact of environment can be more profound than one realizes.

2. Sometimes Change is necessary. To say that change and transitions can be challenging for our Full Spectrum would be a vast understatement. Sound familiar? If stuff isn’t workin’ out too well as it is, though, you might consider changing things up.

Little changes can matter too: does your child lose focus while doing homework in isolation (something you might’ve arranged to minimize distraction…)? Try using noise-canceling headphones in a more-busy area and crunchy carrot sticks (haha, I meant chips) to keep things lively.

Bigger changes, like moving and changing schools, obviously entail bigger risks – and possibly bigger benefits too.

Ease changes where you can with strategies such as advance notice, clear scheduling, and comfort measures – soothing (or stimulating) activities, food, objects…

           

3. Stay vigilant.  Isn’t that just great advice? Yeah, even when things seem fine: stay vigilant. Pfffft.

But -- wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I felt like the school had things well in hand I sorta…exhaled…and took a little breaky-poo? Next thing you know G is failing certain assignments and I am called in to a Meeting and then I am writing my Meeting Friend this text:

“[Censored]! I forgot about speaking up just nodded and said I will talk to [G] when in fact they did not do right by him or create an environment where success was possible. Help! Must regroup. But I am okay. Just entered brief complacent fugue state and now will triumph…somehow ;) p.s. Don’t worry. Am bemused but okay. Forgot [G] has disability.”

In this particular instance, G was failing a months-long writing project because he was overwhelmed by the combination of his classroom environment and learning new technologies and skills on the computer.  He’s at a point where he might be able to handle one of those things and still reach his potential, but not both.

So I wrote his teacher along these lines:

Dear [teacher],

Thanks for meeting with me yesterday.

I was really left with two different thoughts after our meeting: on the one hand, [G] does need to learn to buck up, get it together, ship shape, etc. but on the OTHER he does have a disability that we need to accommodate and work with to best bring out his potential.

I do feel that his failing this project because of new-computer frustration would be a shame. Clearly, he was overwhelmed by learning new skills in a busy environment, which is typical for him as well as many children on the autism spectrum.

I will work with him at home. Hope you can give us an extra week or so to whip it into shape in a low pressure-high achievement environment ;)

Thank you,

            [FSM]

His teacher allowed him to take some extra time and he ended up with a decent(-ish) grade on the assignment.

Yay vigilance!!! Just because a school gets a wide range of students doesn’t mean you won’t have to advocate from time to time…

4. Cycles: Know that there will be cycles of advocacy challenges. After a recent blessedly calm, several-week meeting-free stretch I witnessed with chagrin my Meeting Friend looking stricken while being collared by the principal at pick-up. I was unable to get to her before she rushed off with her child, so sent I her psychic and text support and planned to call her and inquire. A few minutes later, Pardner called me and said the school had called US because G had gotten “agitated” over a computer imbroglio (see above). Anyway, when I called my MF to check in, come to find out her child, too, had been “agitated” that day. Wheee.

            5. Services:

In this larger, more-inundated school, G no longer qualifies for many of the services he received at his last school. Part of this – in PT and OT -- is because of great past work by amazing physical and occupational therapists; some progress is G’s own hard work. But it’s also because the standards of qualification are more stringent. And I do worry that G will fall way, way behind again. His early motor skills and kinesthetic test scores were typically all at the very lowest end of low.  Now that he’s low-average, will he continue to grow and improve without help? Or at least not regress? Please see #3…

G no longer has a one-on-one either. This is because his classroom already has three embedded paraprofessionals in addition to a highly effective, gifted, funny, experienced teacher. Do these three have enough time to get to everyone who needs their attention? Again, see #3.

At the same time, G’s new school offers a lot of services, particularly in group-settings, that were unavailable at the small school he previously attended. I feel like G’s needs are being met in different ways, and that we are in a basic state of balance between services and mainstreaming. But I am also ready to put on my official clothes and use my lint brush and march in there at once if necessary. Luckily, the parties involved do what they do because they care about children and education, so I do feel we are all on the same page as to wanting the best for G.

If you do not feel this way, if you and/or your child/ren is/are in an environment where the powers that be do not share this best-wanting intention, and are reluctant to change, you may need to advocate more powerfully OR see #s 1 and 2.

6. Treats: I am going to write more about this in “Second Anniversary Lists III: Choosing your Battles,” but I am impressed by the power of treats.

a. Treats for Students: G’s new school uses sugar for almost everything and it works. I know, I know: sugar. Regular readers will be well-informed of our sugar aversion. I cringe every time G shows up after school with a neon-colored lollipop. But positive reinforcement – what does your child love/crave? Maybe it doesn’t have to be so ghastly? – can make the difference between a child who is functioning, even thriving, within school boundaries and one who is flailing and failing.

I know G’s lollipop represents his sitting in his seat, or not interrupting, or closing the bathroom door…and since sugar affects him less than it does me, I make the choice to allow it. I mention this in this here Advocacy piece because working with your school to put a system of treats in place for rewarding positive behaviors might really make a difference for all parties concerned.

If you can figure out what really might feel like a treat to your child (or yourself, or your student, or your roommate, or partner, or…) -- whether it’s praise, hugs, Pokémon cards, screen time, or something else, perhaps something unique (but it must be something

Clear, and

Consistent)

-- you can begin to assess whether that individual responds well to this sort of system.

            b. Treats for Advocates: sometimes necessary.

            c. Treats for All, for No Particular Reason: also sometimes necessary.

Regarding these treats prescriptions, remember: Full Spectrum Mama is a Doctor [of philosophy].

Strong and effective advocating to you,

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

We were out to dinner last night to celebrate and I saw a woman with a baby who reminded me of myself with G years ago. Without pre-thinking, I thought a sickening thought: how lucky she is, she hasn't been disappointed yet...that baby is full of all possibility to her...perfect...

I looked over at my son, with his shining face, and fiercely amended my thoughtless thought: never for a second is that fellow a disappointment. He is perfect to me just as he is and always has been.

There've been some shocks for sure, and hard stuffs - with both children - and that's pretty normal, eh? - but they are the lights of my life. They are the hope of the world, as all children are, whether they are "perfect" as society dictates or truly perfect in their uniqueness which, I humbly submit, is what the world actually needs.

In the New Year, may we all appreciate each other in the first place, or, if necessary, the second...

Love,
Full Spectrum Mama

THE TWELVE DAYS OF POKEMON

Do you feel like you are missing something this holiday season? Maybe it’s this song:

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

THE GLOBULAR SPECTRO-CONTINUUM

Someone posted this on my Facebook page:

         Figure I – ASPERGERS Acrostic Meme

A bunch of autistic people, people with autism, parents of autistic people and parents of people with autism (bear with me on these labels, just tryna make everyone happy!) responded.

At some point, early on, someone in my extended family commented as follows:

ummm.. Well I know it's uncool to say it, but those things apply on a LOT of levels to many people, even those not on the spectrum. Aren't we all on the spectrum to some degree? I mean that is what a spectrum is, from the smallest degree to the most challenged. We all fall on there somewhere.

Then, perhaps fearing the Wrath of the Autism Spectrum, that person removed the above comment before anyone had a chance to respond.

But I thought it might be a good inroad for an important and necessary conversation. So I saved it and thought about it and here’s my answer:

Short Version:

…Yes!

And…No!

Long Version:

Yes, by all means, I hope people DO feel included – in general and in this here Full Spectrum! I want neurotypical people and non-neurotypical people and everybody in-between to relate to each other with empathy and compassion. I hope very much that people relate their own “endless talking” or “rigidity” or “giftedness” to those qualities in others, and therefore become more open and accepting. I think that’s the kind part of the intention in this comment.

Finding out about Asperger's syndrome (now officially known as an autism spectrum disorder) through having a son with that diagnosis has certainly helped me with my own lifelong struggles with a different neurology (diagnosed only later in life). Based on what people have told me, this blog speaks to a variety of individuals who relate to our experiences, not just vis-à-vis autism but attachment disorders and family stuff and “human being” as well. In terms of specific differences, readers have told me they’ve recognized attachment-disordered traits in family members and themselves and that our experiences have helped them deal better; same for autism…

As for the actual person who made this comment, I would say that we are related and we share a lot of neurology. Many of these above traits, like being “sensitive to criticism” or having an “advanced vocabulary,” do run in families -- whether from culture or genetics or both.

Besides, things like a tendency to be “easily distressed” and being “socially challenged” are not restricted to people on the autism spectrum and their families. Nor are being “gifted” or “remiss” &c traits of only people in the special autism spectrum disorder/Asperger’s association.

BUT!

[Names of commenters on this post] and I, indeed all of us who are on the autism spectrum and/or are raising children who are, experience moderate to severe social challenges and neurological differences that affect all of our lives in significant ways. Some of us don’t just “relate” to the traits on this list, we are defined by them, especially by others – and most especially by the neurotypical world.

 Much as we hope to

help our children/ourselves accept and/or transcend disability and/or

celebrate their/our unique qualities and/or

work toward a culture where neuro- and other diversity is a given and all neurologies and disabilities and differences are

            VALUED

RESPECTED and

TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT,

our children (and sometimes we ourselves) experience challenges (and sometimes need services and accommodations) that most others, quite simply, don't.

We’ve had to fight hard for our kids and ourselves, at times just to hold steady at “okay” or “barely okay.” We’ve got IEPs,* 504s,* behavioral plans, stacks of test results…Most of us have daunting piles of (mostly unread) books on the trajectory from Sensory Processing Disorder onward…Sometimes we have to get babysitters for our teenagers (if we can afford it – my average is twice yearly).

We have to wade through mountains of labels and advice from specialists and experts, and consider (or not! [and then we have to deflect!]) “cures” directed – mostly well-meaningly – at ourselves, our parenting, our differences, our children, our families…

We frequently get asked to participate in unwanted meetings -- and then we have to wrangle for the meetings we do want.

We get called in to school when our kid is quacking in assembly; when the teacher wants to meet with our child’s class without our child present to explain why s/he is not “weird” but “different;” called in because our kid is ‘agitated” over a challenge a neurotypical kid would not even notice, such as a change in routine…

Do these things sound familiar? If not, then you and/or your child probably do not have autism or, for that matter, some other “special need.” I am not trying to say those on the spectrum are members of some exclusive club, I am trying to be clear on what is what:

Having autism/being autistic is NOT something everyone shares. There is an autism spectrum, and there is a spectrum that leads, in spectrum fashion, up to that spectrum, but it is not the same.

The same might be said of an attachment disorder spectrum. My other, non-autism-spectrum-y child does not have a Severe attachment disorder, wherein people are unable to form meaningful connections with others. On the attachment disorder spectrum, she falls on what’s known as the Mild to Moderate attachment disorder section, where attachments are possible but often fraught. Healthily-attached children without attachment disorders may share some traits that are deeply familiar to parents of children with attachment disorders (such as controlling behavior or hoarding), but that does not mean they have the clinically defined condition known as an attachment disorder! (More on this below…)

All behaviors occur in populations to varying degrees and in a myriad of combinations. When an individual is found to be “out of the ‘norm’” – by the schools and/or parent(s) or guardian(s) --  they usually get evaluated and labeled and their differences may then be addressed within that paradigm. This process alone can be deeply grueling.

It may also sometimes be rewarding, at least insofar as it may offer insights for interacting, processing, succeeding in a neurotypical (and/or relatively healthily-attached, and/or typically-abled) world. With that in mind, Full Spectrum Mama investigates daily life with a bunch of people who happen to embody some useful labels -- but are more than just these labels! -- in hopes of offering something worthwhile shining out of our Full Spectrum.

Respect for neurodiversity is a key theme for the Full Spectrum Project -- and I believe that’s a piece of where my erstwhile commentator was coming from, as well as the intent of the above acrostic.

One of the greatest things to come out of the neurodiverty movement(s) is this idea that the ideas and thought patterns of divergent neurologies may be equally valid and in some cases superior. Before, we might’ve been inclined to dismiss ourselves. Now, we are gradually coming to value different perspectives more – even if the wider world has a ways to go to catch up.

Divergent neurology is, apparently, becoming more and more common -- and as such one hopes it will be less and less marginalized, less often dismissed as “remiss.” I hope, though, that increasing acceptance and diversity never amount to attempted homogeneity!

I’ve always been openly against moral relativism – the idea that all moral views deserve equal respect and are equally valid - on this blog and as a longtime professor of ethics. But I do espouse “neural relativism:” the idea that all neurologies are worthy of respect and consideration. This is not to imply that they are all the same: commonalities do not necessarily mean shared identity, status or diagnosis. To suggest that they do, as my dear commentator seemed to be doing – however briefly – might seem to trivialize the very real struggles many of us face.

Here’s an example: if you have received a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder, you know that your neural processes are “not normal.” What does this mean, exactly? For many, it has historically meant reduced self-trust, a devaluation of one’s “wrong” thinking. This is changing. Today, many of us contend that knowing your thought processes, sensory processing and reactions might be different from the mainstream is useful information, but it doesn’t mean we should thus dismiss our concerns and conclusions based on that divergence!

The mainstream certainly keeps things somewhat on track, but it has also brought us witch hunts, slavery, centuries of marriage inequality, Britney Spears, Monsanto, “Black Friday,” the 1%, dodgeball, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos …

Knowledge is power. A self-evident and over-quoted phrase? Maybe to you (or maybe not!). Until I began to learn about my son’s and my non-typical neurology, until I began to address certain needs (such as sensory breaks) as needs, NOT preferences, I spent a lot of time feeling as if I was an alien being assaulted by humans and environments (tangent: animals were my salvation). Migraines were (and are) a major factor in life. Other people’s’ brains and actions were so opaque to me that I tended to doubt myself and give others credence when I should not have and thereby made myself vulnerable to exploitation, an experience many of my spectrum-y friends share. The incidence of exploitation and abuse is anecdotally higher among those on the autism spectrum. I do think and hope that this terrible pattern is changing with increased knowledge and awareness.

Learning about the neurodiverse brain has shown me, finally, how to set boundaries and how to trust in myself, and to teach my children to do the same. I hope G is learning these skills in time to spare him much suffering. I hope it can make him feel less alienated, less “socially challenged,” more connected.

Having a daughter who exhibits the mirror opposite of the “typically ‘autistic’” traits exhibited by my son (and, in many cases, by me) has given me a lot to chew on in this idea of connection. Learning about attachment disorders has also shown us how to set boundaries for Z and build her self-confidence and trust -- in us and in herself.

In short, we’ve seen how the tools affiliated with certain labels and diagnoses may be effective (or, plenty of times, not) in a wide range of contexts.

In this conversation about commonalities, meaning and context also play a huge role vis-à-vis appropriate tools, labels and analyses. When a healthily-attached child of four has a massive, age-appropriate tantrum, that’s healthy; when an eight year old with an attachment disorder does the same, it is an expression of a deeper pain. Or: when a healthily-attached child tests their evolving independence by being defiant, their parent may well view that behavior as natural and appropriate; whereas when a child with an attachment disorder acts defiant, it is typically because they feel unsafe and out of control inside – and untrusting. The latter child needs – in order to build trust, heal and feel safe – a very different response than does the former.

Therapeutic parenting, as defined by the therapist we have worked with, can look very different than your basic permissive vs. strict parenting spectrum. In my experience, therapeutic parenting of this flavor is not always looked upon kindly, particularly by the progressive parenting population. So, parents of children with attachment disorders may live with another difference that is challenging -- and that too may feel trivialized by those who try to say we are all the same.

To summarize, I’m first aiming to make clear distinctions within connection. Second, out of that clarity, I celebrate the incredible, perhaps more-broadly applicable, helpfulness of the tools we have been blessed to glean from learning about aspects of the labels that represent elements of the human beings in our family. Sometimes these tools are about healing and, yes, “curing” an attachment disorder; sometimes they are about understanding and creating space for divergent neurologies. They are always about growing in inclusion and peace. The whole Full Spectrum household has become happier now that we have these tools.

If reading about autism or attachment disorders or whatever (identifying with theASPERGERS acrostic, for example) helps you in some way, more power to you! Our journey in this wacky, divergent, polarizing, unifying enterprise was what got me started on this blog in the first place, because Full Spectrum Mama embraces connection within difference.

Learning more about autism has not convinced me that everyone has Asperger's or spectrum-y tendencies at all. In fact, I wish that were so, as children are not always particularly nice with those who are "different." G's differences from the general population are more than clear (along with his many wonderful qualities!!). He's faced far greater challenges socially and in general than the average kid, as I know the aforementioned facebook-commenting parents' children have.

Guess you could say I am not a parenting relativist either. I have personal, direct, experiential knowledge that parenting a child who has common sense and a reasonable level of social skills -- a child who I know with 100% certainty will be completely fine on his/her own as an adult --  is 37 bajillion times easier/less worrisome that parenting one who doesn’t share these life skills, though I wouldn’t trade or change the latter child for all the world.

Anyway, it’s not a contest. Of course all children and parents and people have challenges. The challenges of autism per se, though, are not really expressed by the fact that, sure, many people might share some of the qualities on this ASPERGERS acrostic list. At the same time, we want to be really careful to be sensitive around trumpeting the “difficulties” of autism in a time when fear-mongering around the “autism epidemic” is rampant.

This list is just a tool, I think, meant for people with asperger's syndrome and those who love 'em or want to to understand more about it. I can’t speak to the artist’s intention, but I can say with some confidence that s/he probably intended the list for a specifically asperger's-related purpose.

That being said, the whole point at Full Spectrum Mama – as I hope I have made clear, er…somewhat at length, herein -  is the connections between all of us. FSM engages the idea that we are all on a giant spectrum and that therefore the similarities and differences between us can be instructive - and funny. It entertains the idea that my two children, as PART of who they are, seem often to be truly on opposite areas of that giant spectrum. It explores these two vastly contrasting yet sometimes surprisingly connected areas of a Full Spectrum that happen to be known as autism and attachment disorder.

My intention is to be illuminative of one unique mix, to be inclusive, to describe our spectrum, where the tools that work for us might have a higher chance of working for others for the very fact that they are working (or not working, puh-lease!) for spectrum locations that seem poles apart. My daughter is not on the autism spectrum, my son is not on the attachment disorder spectrum, but they are both – as are we all – on the inclusive, colorful, beautiful FULL Spectrum.

When I started writing/drawing Full Spectrum Mama almost two years ago, I envisioned the Full Spectrum as a Line. Then it became a Circle. Now it’s time for a Globe!

Voilà – the Globular Spectro-Continuum!

    Figure II – The “3-D” Globular Spectro-Continuum

 Figure III – The Globular Spectro-Continuum: Cross-Section

Welcome.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

* Definitions – quoted verbatim from: http://www.washington.edu/doit/Stem/articles?52 :

IEP:

The Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) is a plan or program developed to ensure that a child who has a disability identified under the law and is attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives specialized instruction and related services.

504 Plan:

The 504 Plan is a plan developed to ensure that a child who has a disability identified under the law and is attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives accommodations that will ensure their academic success and access to the learning environment.

FULL SPECTRUM MAMA NEWS

Beloved Readers,

I am very pleased to announce that Full Spectrum Mama has been awarded a residency at the Vermont Studio Center (http://www.vermontstudiocenter.org/).

Admittedly, it is true that FSM applied for this honor without expecting to receive said honor and is not entirely sure how to manage that whole children thing in order to enjoy it.

However, that is a matter for another day. Today, we celebrate!

  

As well, I would like to celebrate the fact that FSM is now averaging over 1,000 views a month. With literally no publicity or advertising of any sort, the ability to reach that many readers is a great privilege for which I am incredibly grateful. Thanks, everybody – and I hope FSM has brought you a smile or a connection or something worthwhile in exchange for your time!

 

Finally, FSM is still accepting COMPLAINTS for The Complaint Department post, upcoming in late January. Please send me your COMPLAINTS of any stripe – funny, sad, mad, bad…

Please email COMPLAINTS to jineffable@gmail.com.

 

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama