"I AM VERY FRIENDLY"

Vocational Rehabilitation is a federal-state program that helps people with differences/disabilities overcome barriers to employment, gain work skills, find jobs, and build careers.

Our local Voc Rehab office recently started a program called “Linking Learning to Careers,” which works with differently abled high schoolers to develop job skills and connect school work with work-work.

When G was filling out his application, he had to answer some questions about his skills and future plans. 

One question was “What strengths do you bring to school, work, and your future career?”  

G wrote, “I am very friendly.” 

Figure I — “I am very friendly.”

My heart sank a little. “Honey, that’s not…” — I looked at his little [huge baby man] face — “Never mind.” 

I almost began to spiral on that one, but I didn’t say anything. I want him to feel confident and value his own strengths, even if they might be seen as somewhat irrelevant by his mom — or completely useless by a future employer.

G and I had been participating in fundraising efforts for a school trip he wants to go on; and I’d been working on a calendar raffle handout that the kids could use to sell tickets. The day after G completed the Linking Learning to Careers application, I finished the calendar handout and students began to sell raffle tickets. 

That very day, G went out and sold all of his raffle tickets within an hour.

In the end, he exponentially outsold every other student in the group.

Figure II — Friendliness + Initiative = Success

Here’s how he explained it to me: “Mom, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t know when to stop. I just keep asking!”

A few days later, G and the other runners received their participation awards at the end-of-season track banquet. The coach spoke a bit about each student. When it came to G, he said, “When we go to meets, [G] knows more people than the entire team combined.” 

There you go, I thought, there are those skills of friendliness he brings to school, work, and his future career…

G really, really wanted to go on that trip — and he made it happen. Heck, he wanted friends — and now he is friendly with hundreds of people. 

Sure, there are things I wish he would make an effort with that he doesn’t yet grasp the importance of, but when it really came down to it, G’s motivation and initiative helped him use his skill of friendliness to be truly successful. 

I hope that will continue to be true as he builds independence.

Our children (and selves!) with differences have amazing, sometimes-hidden or non-obvious gifts. These gifts become operationalizable — and that’s just sociologist-talk for making dreams come true — when fueled by real needs and wants.

This experience showed me we can all achieve success if both the success itself and the means of achieving it are meaningful to us and allow us to implement our unique skills. 

That might sound kind of basic, but it was a revelation to me. 

And it’s changed the questions I’m asking G as he moves out into the world. 

Instead of trying to ask questions that instill a “realistic” worldview and attitude — such as “Do you realize people how many hours you would have to work to buy those Magic the Gathering cards?” —  I’m wondering:

What are you passionate about? 

What do you truly want? 

What do you need for health and happiness? 

What unique skills do you bring to the table? 

AND

How can you connect all of these to live your best life? 

But honestly? I think G was way ahead of me on this. I was basing my approach on fear; while he bases his on hope. 

Love, 

Full Spectrum Mama

 Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

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PAIN – SQUARED

Parents who have children who were adopted from orphanages often have to ‘teach’ their children to acknowledge pain to themselves and to express pain to others. Although Z came into our family at only nine months of age, she had already learned not to react to her body being hurt, or to express hunger or thirst through a baby’s only language (tears).

Instead, she expressed herself primarily through screaming if being put down at any time. Once she found someone to hold her at length, a single person devoted only to her and her brother (to whom she was immediately attached as well), she was not about to be abandoned. This was particularly acute during her first weeks with her family, during which not only did she demand to be held at all times but also to be walked around while being held, resulting in SEVERE sleep deprivation for all concerned.

Arriving home, we embarked upon a plan. I had heard that children whose most basic needs for comfort have not been met may present a range of developmental and emotional challenges and I had bright ideas to “fix” some of these potential issues. Reacting to pain came first: a strategy of exaggerated response to any possible injury quickly taught Z that if something happened to her that potentially did not feel good, and there was someone nearby to help, she could get a response to her feelings and be the beneficiary of comfort measures, such as an ice pack or the proverbial band-aid.

To this day, though, Z doesn’t even blink an eye at pain when she thinks no one is looking! I have watched from the kitchen window as she has fallen – hard, or been accidently but vigorously wacked with something from afar by her clueless brother. She never makes a sound…or even a face. I wonder: did she somehow never develop some important aspect of the neurology to feel pain because of those early months of neglect? Is she just brave as heck? Does she feel the pain, but less?

G and I, being highly sensitive personages, have to work really hard not to scream when we, like, step on a stray drop of water (no - really), so this is definitely a germane question in the Full Spectrum family.

Whereas a casual hidden observer could probably catch G or I writhing privately in agony several times a day, I’d wager that observer would never see the same in Z. Z has learned that public expression of discomfort leads to results, but when there is nothing to “gain” by reacting, she seems to have decided not to waste her energy.

Similarly, she doesn’t seem to notice hunger or thirst unless in the environs of potential indulgers, in which case she will avail herself of various and sundry treats. G and I, within an hour or two of not eating, invariably find ourselves starving, even trembling, with hunger. Much longer and we become vague, lightheaded, nauseous. I happen to be hypoglycemic, and G may be too; perhaps equally significant is the fact that we both had our needs met as infants. Our physiology (sensitive) and our early environments (sensitive to our needs) matched. 

Z, in contrast, seems to be able to function indefinitely without eating, unless food is offered to her. That is, her energy stays high, her focus sharp, her spirits strong -- whether she eats regularly or not…[Obviously, I haven’t performed experiments on her, I am going on seven+ years of observation.] It’s hard to imagine she could be experiencing hunger in the profound and extreme way that G and I do and still function so well, but, as must be asked vis-à-vis her pain, doesn’t she feel some hunger? She knows her situation now is one in which her needs can be met, and yet she still self-limits on those needs…unless – and this is a real possibility -- her physiology just really is that different.

That her response varies so widely according to context potentially indicates a reduced sensitivity to her own body’s cues and/or a self-imposed (conscious or un-) denial of self-nurturing and/or a really advanced mastery of social capital. Would Z be more sensitive overall, and therefore more vulnerable, had she been nurtured differently in her first months?

People sometimes ask me to blurb their books or products or blogs on this blog and I recently agreed to read a novel about reactive attachment disorder (RAD) by a reader named Michelle Weidenbenner. Her book is called Scattered Links (http://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Links-Michelle-Weidenbenner-ebook/dp/B00HP3X6R4) and it is about a Russian orphan’s journey. I haven’t finished it (and it seems to have some Christian undertones, which may be a plus or a minus or neutral for different readers), so I haven’t yet got a blurb. I was struck powerfully, though, by this sentence from the preface, which is written in the orphan’s voice:

“We never learn how to ask for what we need because when we do, no one listens.”

I’d never connected Z’s inability to acknowledge pain or hunger with her inability to ask for what she needs or wants. Z’s refusal to ask for things comes across as regal, but it’s at base a survival strategy, a sad concession to a disappointing start.

The other day we saw a “Wild Women Don’t Get the Blues” bumper sticker and Z asked what it meant. I explained that women have often been taught to do as they are told and that doing so, just for the sake of obedience, makes women unhappy. Women should follow their own dreams and beliefs, I told her, and then they won’t get “the blues.” But sometimes the other people who make the rules -- and the other people who follow the rules -- don’t like when you make your own rules, and they might call you “wild” or “different” or “crazy,” even. And that’s okay, because you will be happier -- and stronger -- for following your own heart.

Of course, she’s still too young to make up her own rules. And I assured her I still get to boss her around for a Long Time. But I want her to know, and I will continue to say to her:  if something (or someone!) hurts you, or if you are hungry for something, speak up, my daughter!!!! How we feel – in our hearts, our bellies, our bodies, our beliefs – matters. YOU MATTER.

Now, let’s eat!

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama