"I AM VERY FRIENDLY"

Vocational Rehabilitation is a federal-state program that helps people with differences/disabilities overcome barriers to employment, gain work skills, find jobs, and build careers.

Our local Voc Rehab office recently started a program called “Linking Learning to Careers,” which works with differently abled high schoolers to develop job skills and connect school work with work-work.

When G was filling out his application, he had to answer some questions about his skills and future plans. 

One question was “What strengths do you bring to school, work, and your future career?”  

G wrote, “I am very friendly.” 

Figure I — “I am very friendly.”

My heart sank a little. “Honey, that’s not…” — I looked at his little [huge baby man] face — “Never mind.” 

I almost began to spiral on that one, but I didn’t say anything. I want him to feel confident and value his own strengths, even if they might be seen as somewhat irrelevant by his mom — or completely useless by a future employer.

G and I had been participating in fundraising efforts for a school trip he wants to go on; and I’d been working on a calendar raffle handout that the kids could use to sell tickets. The day after G completed the Linking Learning to Careers application, I finished the calendar handout and students began to sell raffle tickets. 

That very day, G went out and sold all of his raffle tickets within an hour.

In the end, he exponentially outsold every other student in the group.

Figure II — Friendliness + Initiative = Success

Here’s how he explained it to me: “Mom, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t know when to stop. I just keep asking!”

A few days later, G and the other runners received their participation awards at the end-of-season track banquet. The coach spoke a bit about each student. When it came to G, he said, “When we go to meets, [G] knows more people than the entire team combined.” 

There you go, I thought, there are those skills of friendliness he brings to school, work, and his future career…

G really, really wanted to go on that trip — and he made it happen. Heck, he wanted friends — and now he is friendly with hundreds of people. 

Sure, there are things I wish he would make an effort with that he doesn’t yet grasp the importance of, but when it really came down to it, G’s motivation and initiative helped him use his skill of friendliness to be truly successful. 

I hope that will continue to be true as he builds independence.

Our children (and selves!) with differences have amazing, sometimes-hidden or non-obvious gifts. These gifts become operationalizable — and that’s just sociologist-talk for making dreams come true — when fueled by real needs and wants.

This experience showed me we can all achieve success if both the success itself and the means of achieving it are meaningful to us and allow us to implement our unique skills. 

That might sound kind of basic, but it was a revelation to me. 

And it’s changed the questions I’m asking G as he moves out into the world. 

Instead of trying to ask questions that instill a “realistic” worldview and attitude — such as “Do you realize people how many hours you would have to work to buy those Magic the Gathering cards?” —  I’m wondering:

What are you passionate about? 

What do you truly want? 

What do you need for health and happiness? 

What unique skills do you bring to the table? 

AND

How can you connect all of these to live your best life? 

But honestly? I think G was way ahead of me on this. I was basing my approach on fear; while he bases his on hope. 

Love, 

Full Spectrum Mama

 Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

An InLinkz Link-up

IS IT SHOWING?

Dear Persons,

In IS IT TOUCHING?, I explored how the traditional view of sensitivity is limited --and somewhat discriminatory toward highly sensitive people and people with sensory processing differences (SPD).  I meant to put forth the idea that the way we perceive and process things should be recognized as a sort of neurological/physical/emotional/temperamental spectrum. Simply put, we have widely divergent levels of physical and emotional sensitivity. Furthermore, as self-advocates and advocates for our children and loved ones, it is up to us to decide whether our sensory (I include emotions as feelings here) processing differences are problematic, or glorious, or both, or neither...

This post was one of my most-read ever, and elicited many responses, both public and private.

One interesting theme that emerged from these conversations was that of EXPRESSION. I heard from people who have incredibly strong sensory and/or emotional feelings – but hardly express them at all. And I heard from people who feel they are “all over the place” in a sort of hot mess way and want to calm their actions, reactions and attitudes down (here is where some calming sensory activities might come in handy!). I heard from parents with super-sensitive, expressive children whom they are trying to understand...In short, it emerged that what we show (in those actions, reactions, and attitudes) is not just an exact reflection of what we feel.

So, this month, I’d like to bring your attention to the possibility that sensitivity does not correlate directly or evenly with expression or external reactivity. Some people develop coping mechanisms to hamper their reactions because of cultural or familial pressures. Some are naturally less expressive. Some people stuff their feelings. Others let it all hang out, sometimes in spades – intentionally, or because they cannot suppress the expression of their reactions.

Another manifestation of the sensitivity/expression interplay may be seen in those of us with sensory processing differences where certain stimuli that might seem minor to others (tags on clothing, bright lights, strong tastes or textures in food, temperature variations...) are interpreted by the brain as major. This may then result, expression-wise, in sensory overload or “acting out” or “shutting down” or...

At the extremes, you get people who may appear histrionic – your drama kings and queens who scream when stepping into a puddle of water (guilty) or a person gives them side eye; or your heartless stoics, who don’t even flinch when a finger is cut off or a loved one dies.

Notably, the histrionics and the stoicism may reflect/express SIMILAR levels of sensitivity, exteriorized in different ways. What we are experiencing inside is not always expressed in ways that exactly match our inner experience of intensity. People can be low on the sensitivity scale, but high on the expression scale; or they may feel deeply, yet not be expressive of that externally...

We may feel or express less – the proverbial “stone;” we may feel or express more, experiencing or acting explosively, like “fireworks.” These two things – what we feel and what we show - don’t usually occur in a matchy-matchy fashion.

What’s more, sensitivity itself can be emotional, physical, neurological...; while expression can be through actions, words, attitudes, moods...AND, as this scale shows, these factors can intersect in a Full Spectrum of ways!

Figure I – Showing Chart: Sensitivity and Expression: Stone to Fireworks, Squared

In addition, our attempts to modulate our expression are not always in line with our intentions.

As I wrote in IS IT TOUCHING?, I am a total sap and literally – embarrassingly! -  unable to not cry under a variety of circumstances, from funerals and other clearly sad occasions to anything touching (try this for a tear test), sentimental, or even joyous.

On the other hand, things that move me powerfully but are hurtful, complicated, or angering can overwhelm me and cause me to shut down and seem withdrawn or even cause a meltdown (internally!). And I am just one feeling/expressing person, a fraction of my Full Spectrum family. I am still trying to figure out my son, who sometimes can appear extremely insensitive as a reaction to sensory overload; my daughter, who seems impervious to all but a very few extremely, tremendously sensitive areas; and Pardner, who has the rare gift of being sensitive but non-reactive, observant and caring, yet as steady as can be. But Pardner has his areas of sensitivity, too: do not put your bike up against his car, nor, if you are a child with potential child gore on your hands, or a hairy cat in your arms, should you “touch the threads.”

So, finally, our sensitivities and expressions thereof can also vary from experience to experience, with different situations being more or less

Manageable/controllable,

moving/touching/intense,

and/or expressed

!

In the neurodiverse world, terms like “over-responder” and “under-responder” get thrown around, as if there is a mean level of response that is correct. Add on different ideas about social cues and behavior, reactions that may be judged “inappropriate,” or “unexpected”...Whew. I’m looking to expand our perspective on what’s a natural part of the range of human being, not criticize people. Human sensitivity and expression weave together in diverse, complex and fascinating ways, in a dynamic matrix represented here by a spectrum from stones to fireworks.  

What holds for all of us is that we want to be our healthiest selves. We have the privilege and responsibility of figuring out what that means - for our children, for ourselves, for our communities.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

 

Welcome to the Sensory Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from sensory bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have Sensory Processing Disorder and to raise a sensory kiddo!

An InLinkz Link-up

REESE’S THEORY OF HOMEOPATHY

The Full Spectrum Household has been avoiding refined sugar for over six months now.

With the younguns, this move is behavior-driven; for Maman, it’s a serious health issue.

As Halloween approaches, I find my mind wandering to – well, what do you think?

Candy.

Because we will be trick-or-treating, complete with all the quirks of Full Spectrum boundary awkwardness in doorways (every year G wanders casually into at least one random stranger’s home, focused on an enticing trinket or element of decor) and social ineptitudes (hey, now we really can’t recognize you, um, everyone) and violations (quick - watch Z’s hands in the serve-yourself bowls).

Many of our ‘specially fun qualities are exponentially amplified by being all hopped up on sugar.

So, then, post trick-or-treating, there will be these bags of candy. In the kitchen. After the Full Spectrum children are snug in their beds. In their bedrooms.

As you would expect, this little voice in the back of my mind is all, “You know what? If you just had a little bit of candy, say, a few Reese’s peanut butter cups, basically, that would be like…homeopathy!”

“How so?” the small remaining rational part of my mind wonders.

“Because, duh, if you never EAT Reese’s Cups, how will your body build up immunity? How will it know how to process Reese’s Cups, should it ever be exposed to said Cups???”

Exactly. Thus, have I put forth the prestigious, correct-ish “Reese’s Theory of Homeopathy.”

And I think it’s safe to say this scientific-homeopathic model may, in moderation, be applied to a number of other aspects of life…At least until the Special Candy Fairy comes and replaces all the candy with nurturing, commercial-free, organic playthings and natural, lo-flavor veggie-butter-leather.

Happy Halloween!

Love,

Dr. Full Spectrum Mama, Ph.D.