One initially formative idea for Full Spectrum Mama was that
if something worked in our household it might be useful across a wide range of
circumstances (consistent boundaries come to mind). Or, at least, our mistakes
might prove instructive (diarrhea [still working on that one]).
But surety in these complicated times has never been a
strong suit of our household. Readers have been more likely to laugh or cry
with us than to follow my commands.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think “parenting
solutions” is, um, drinking…For those who are not struggling with substance
abuse issues, may I suggest a moderate portion of your preferred mood altering
substance? FSM never cottoned overmuch to vino until single motherhood hit.
Now, if she can remember, a glass of wine or beer definitely eases dinner and
bedtime transitions [note to self: make note to remind self to drink wine].
And then there is the “solution” – much needed in a Full
household - of picking which issues and behaviors to address and which to drop. In the matter of choosing battles, the grandmama of
all battle-choosing advice comes to mind. Sure, it’s a cliché. On account of
because it’s super wise:
The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I
can,
And the wisdom to know the
difference.
Or, for those who are not religious or do not feel that
serenity comes from “God,” here is a version from The Serene Atheist (http://sereneatheist.blogspot.com/2009/10/secular-serenity-prayer.html):
Through my efforts, I gain the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I
can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Years ago, during an unrelated family mental health
scenario, I learned that some traits are known as ‘characterological.” This
term refers to aspects of personality and behavior that are neither strictly
psychological nor neurological; instead, they are character traits – good and bad – that can be remarkably hard to
change. Such traits are not reflections of mental illness or neurodiversity per
se but have to do with the will and desires
and tendencies of any individual. Thus, one might be characterologically prone
to greed or generosity, kindness or cruelty; one might be shy or bursting with
flair, honest, sneaky, sunny- or surly-natured…
Character can be worked with, its better aspects supported
and its lesser elements healed and diminished; but it cannot really be
eradicated.
It’s useful to try to get a handle on what’s what in this
area, and to know which behaviors are
unhealthy, pathological or
reflections of disorder
or
functions of disability or
developmentally appropriate
and which are
basic, natural self-expression.
This can bring some insight as to whether or not – and
possibly how – behaviors can be ameliorated.
It’s also imperative to know as much as possible about your
unique circumstances so that you don’t lament OR excuse inappropriate things,
or confuse character with a difference, disorder or disability.
For example, it’s hard to say how much of G’s generosity
comes from his character and how much from his Aspergian non-attachment to most
material goods. Part of my job is to help him develop enough common sense to
distinguish between generous and reckless giving. Z’s giant hambone consists of
one part attachment disorder and one part inborn characterological star
quality. She needs to learn how to balance and channel that energy, but she
will always be a VIP.
Figure I – A FULL Spectrum: from (foreground) Z’s jumping
into front of the camera-field “Hi, Look at ME: I am fabulous! All The Time!!!
Hey! Did you look away? Hi!” to (background) G’s looking-away expression of
“Stripes. Stripes. Striiiiiiipes.” Not to stereotype, but this is…typical. (At
the Sol Lewitt exhibit at Mass MOCA.)
The camera lens has captured Z in full form, oozing pizzazz.
I cannot imagine telling her to back off or tone it down.
G’s absorption in art here seems part poetic, part flakey,
part characterological, part Aspie. What should I do to get him to look at the
camera for once, shout at him? I could
say, “Pay attention!”
Nah.
Everybody’s got their stuff, right? Whether you (or your
child or someone else) are attachment disordered, on the autism spectrum,
wonderful in 99 out of 100 categories, mentally ill, spoiled, temporarily or
permanently sweet or grumpy or cranky…having a solid perspective on what can (can’t)
be changed and what should (shouldn’t) be addressed and healed can be
immeasurably valuable in the day-to-day. Knowing what’s what – insofar as that
is possible - can help you choose your battles!
Choosing Your Battles List
1.
Safety issues are non-negotiable.
2.
Public humiliation issues are at the discretion of the
individuals involved. Only YOU can gauge the unbearable, loathsome edge of your
acceptable-humiliation zone.
3.
Is X expressing his/her character or his/her
pain/disability/disorder?
4.
Is Y able to change his behavior him or herself or does s/he
need help from you?
5.
Are you able at this time
to offer that help???
And…
6.
The Ultimate Battle Choosing Question: Can my child (or I, or
those involved) learn, benefit, grow or heal from this situation, or should I
just let go/accept it?
I have turned this information into a Flow Chart:
Figure I – Choosing Your Battles Flow Chart
This handy, dandy flow chart may help channel typical
concerns into decision-making success. As a bonus, options for simple suggestion
as well as actual intervention are included in each branch. Whenever I am mired
in a real-life situation I always make time to refer to a list or flow-chart,
which I naturally have at the ready.*
Next Week: my final anniversary list: "The Complaint Department."
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
*…in my dreams.
