Our Guest Writer, Partial/incomplete Monochrome Persona from
The Complaint Department, has been working hard to bring you this list. Warning: Partial/incomplete Monochrome
Persona, or PiMP for short, has compiled and macro-infested the bitterest and
snarkiest elements of Full Spectrum Mama’s first year, many of which Full
Spectrum Mama might not even have noticed, saintly as she is.
1.
The Make-Your-Own-Problems Division.
We make most of our own problems.
The Complaint Department suggests you unmake – or contend gracefully with – such self-created problems.
Therefore, The Complaint
Department maintains a strict non-acceptance policy in its
Make-Your-Own-Problems Division.
2.
Bullies.
Yuck.
Can you believe bullies are real? Grown-up bullies, too! Solo-style, as well as
Group Models, including Mean (Old) Girls (and Boys), Institutional and
Family-Pak…
Children who bully often learn to
do so at home. Watch out for their parents.
Those in the school-disability-“special
education” worlds who bully often do so from budget and staff frustrations. See
if you can get through the armor to the love of children that brought them
there in the first place. Bonne chance!
But, okay, sure. Complaints about
bullies are acceptable during regular business hours.
3.
Sorry.
Say you’re sorry. No, PiMP does
not care what happened OR whose fault it is and don’t Make The Complaint
Department have to Pull This Car Over.
Oops! Sorry, wrong medium.
4.
Help.
If you have a partner, if you have
a babysitter once a week, if you have a choice between working and not working
(vs. those who must work), do not
complain about not having any help. The Complaint Department knows far too many
struggling single working parents to accept complaints in this area.
a.
Have some perspective, people.
5.
Snacks.
There is a required ten-minute
minimum time-lapse between the asking for of the snacks.
Furthermore: If, sequentially, you
have asked for and received, a banana, a cheese stick, a clementine, a yogurt
squeezer, a bowl of cheddar bunnies, a granola bar, baby carrots and hummus,
and raisins and nuts and an apple, that is enough.
6.
Money.
If you have never spent weeks
worrying over running out of toothpaste, or had to choose between
a.
raiding those expired bags and cans at the back of the
cupboard and paying for heat, or
b.
going grocery shopping,
do not complain
about money.
Except, perhaps,
to others of your ilk - but definitely check their ilk to be sure.
Yes, we at The Complaint Department
know that you say things like, “We’re all struggling right now” to express a
sense of, “Wow, I get it,” but that’s
just trifling.
You know who gets it? PiMP and her
friend over here who both just bought one
bag of cotton candy even though we each have two children because those bad boys cost FOUR DOLLARS.
Please see 4.a.
The Complaint Department will only accept
complaints about money from those with a
generously allotted income limit of $30,000 and below. (F.Y.I.:
it is remarkably easy to
join this select group, albeit exponentially harder to
leave.) Most other complaints about
money will be deemed to fall under Rule 1, above.
7.
Children.
If you have mentally and physically healthy,
neurotypical children, do not complain about them under most circumstances.
In particular, you shall not
complain about them to people who have no children,
whether by choice or via “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
Nor shall you complain about them
to people who have children who have issues of health, learning differences,
disabilities, sensory or social issues or other significant differences or impairments…
If you must complain, then kindly
preface your complaint with, “Praise the universe, I am very lucky to have such
an easy life compared to the lives of those with harder lives” (which will
probably be answered with “Praise the universe, I am very lucky to have the
child/life etc. that I have…” BUT the preface should still be uttered as a
preventative measure).
And please see 4.a.
8. Speculation and Normalcy.
The Complaint Department thinks
everyone is REAL SPECIAL. How did they get that way? We do not know. How should
you act around them? Ditto.
9.
Special Dispensations.
True Friends, Wise Ones, Elders,
Those Who Get It, Family Members from
Group A,* and, generally, people who don’t take themselves all that seriously
or are seriously cute (such as some children) are not subject to the above
Complaint Department Guidelines.
Now that The Complaint Department has brought you this
exhaustive list, The Complaint Department is closed. The Complaint Department
will re-open on the 32nd of Nevruary.**
Sincerely,
Partial/incomplete Monochrome Persona
* Family Group A is a generic term for certain members of
all families and consists of non-offensive family members.
** Thanks to Uncle G. Fullalove (Family Group A+) for introducing the Full
Spectrum family to this convenient date.
