WHAT'S THE BEST KIND OF PARENT?

Dear Persons,

Over the years, I’ve mostly thought it’s been an advantage for my son to have a neurodiverse mom. But the other day, as I bumbled about, I for some reason was hyperaware of how much there is I don’t get, whether because it’s implicit, or because I see things in a black and white way…

Some things I see as unilaterally wrong (it’s hard to give a neutral-ish example without offending anyone), including stuff most people see as excusable under certain circumstances (lying) or even “normal” (eating meat). I don’t actually judge others regarding these things—see below about my self-perception as nowhere near that entitled—it’s just how I myself think and live. 

Other subtleties and social niceties (and meanities!!!!) have only become obvious to me in my forties. 

It wasn't until, oh, about five years ago, that I realized some people have other priorities in their logic besides kindness. 

And I’m so literal that I didn’t even understand that being literal was a thing. 

For a REALLY LONG TIME.

Another thing I’m finally realizing is that there are a lot of things I may not have understood along the way. 

I knew from a very age that there was something different about me and my brain. To be more blunt, I “knew” there was “something wrong with me.” (This was unfortunately an impression that was initially created and then reinforced by those around me. It was, in some ways, a very different era.)

So I developed a lot of coping and passing (as “normal”) mechanisms. As an adult, I definitely pass as “getting” more than I get, and as (I hate this term, because it SO CLEARLY is a neurotypical one!) “high functioning.”

Still, how many people have thought I was a total wack job? How many times have I missed the deeper point of what someone was saying? 

I know I’ve taken people’s words as unkind or marginalizing when they weren’t meant that way. By the same token, I’ve sometimes hung around people who didn’t want me around for way too long, or accepted cruel behavior (toward me) on the basis of my own self-determined inability to “understand what’s really going on.” 

I guess I’m becoming aware that, for my son, having a mom who he can relate to and who understands his neurology definitely has its strong points. But it’s also probably hard for him that I'm “weird” or hurt or confused or clueless a lot of the time. 

Also, he thinks I’m a total loser, so he’s not always pleased to hear about our similarities. 

But there’s more. I found out I’m a Hufflepuff! [Non-Harry Potter fans might want to skip to the next paragraph.] All these years, I was cluelessly convinced I was a Ravenclaw/Gryffindor. In retrospect, I realize I was avoiding taking the sorting test because I was afraid it would reveal I was neither as clever (Ravenclaw) nor as brave (Gryffindor) as I held myself to be. Nope, I’m not. I’m a jolly, kindly, well-meaning, bumbling Hufflepuff. 

So I got to wondering whether it might have been better for my son to have a parent who was more, um, with it. Someone who could better play by the (unspoken) rules and sort of…finesse things in a way that I, in my bull-in-a-china-shop way, cannot. 

How often do I fail him because of my own neurodiversity and cluelessness? Would the best parent for him be someone who’s more savvy? Someone who’s more “successful” by real-world standards (which would include financially)? 

Wouldn’t it be great if he had a mother who understood how to teach him to really be successful—in real-world terms, taking effective, reality-savvy steps—instead of a literal-bumbling-weirdo-Hufflepuff?  

At the same time, I do know I love him exactly as he is and fight for him with all I’ve got. 

And I’m all he’s got, mom wise.

I realize this is a false dichotomy in some ways. Plus, I'm not really addressing the many other parental concerns and diverse ways of parenting, not to mention parental situations, from marital status to economic status, ethnicity to gender identity...

But it still sometimes feels like there's this overarching and fundamental split between those who share differences and those who do not, one I continue to work to mitigate however I can (in our particular area of difference as well as others). 

I imagine parents and loved ones who don’t “get” autism can probably relate from the other direction. Maybe they might not directly, personally understand why someone who’s neurodiverse can’t just “act like other people” or doesn’t perceive the world as they do. 

But they “get” that world—and can navigate it way better than most of us with differences. So they can help their children or loved ones with differences figure out how to get by in a world that’s not designed for them. 

I finally figured out that, in this context, good parenting is about being open to learning and growing, being curious, being accepting. To bring all that together, trying to understand is probably what makes the best parent—along with love, of course. 

So I guess whether you’re a little (or a lot) different and trying to understand people and institutions, or you totally get all that stuff but are trying to understand your kid, or anywhere along that spectrum—you’re good! 

Especially if you’re a Hufflepuff.

Just joshing. EVERYONE who’s lovingly trying to understand wins.  

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

P.S. If you have a minute, consider answering some questions for a student at Drexel University who is working on a project about how much time parents of children on the spectrum spend on paperwork. Find her survey here. (I am in no way affiliated with this, but was asked to spread the word. Drexel actually has an apparently awesome program for college kids on the spectrum, BTW.)

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

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PARTY BOOKS

I.

We are at a party. I am having a good time because I am emotionally prepared, have had my one allotted beer, and know lots of people. Z is fine, as always. G is careening around, reminding me of Brownian Motion, not connecting.

He’s basically gorging on sweets and walking in circles around the perimeter of the party.

I know he feels overwhelmed, maybe lonely too.

                                                  Figure I – What a Party Can Feel Like with SPD

II.

G is swinging on a vine outside the party.

“That kid is weird,” says a young white girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old. Her two companions, same general description, nod their heads.

Why? WHY IS MY KID WEIRD? What did he do? Seems to me this vine-swinging is the most “normal” thing he’s done all night.

III.

G wants to leave, as he has from our moment of arrival. I try to buy some time outside. A family - mother, father and child - are standing nearby. The father takes the child, gets in the car and leaves. From the child’s posture, I sense exhaustion.  

“Too much?” I ask the mother.

“Yes,” she says.

“Sensory processing differences?” I wonder aloud, not entirely sure why…just a gut feeling…

”Oh yeah - ___ [her child] is definitely spectrumy.”

(Note: While not everyone with Sensory Processing Disorder {SPD -- which I prefer to call “Sensory Processing Differences,” by the way} is on the autism spectrum, most people on the spectrum do have Sensory Processing Differences. Both ASDs {autism spectrum disorders – though I do take issue with “disorders” in this label as well [another post!]} and SPDs share the aspect of being neurological – vs emotional or psychological – differences.)

But back to “spectrumy:” Yay.

Now we can talk. And we do. Our kids were in different grades at the same school, which is why we looked familiar to one another. At this party, while my G was blundering awkwardly around, her child was getting and expressing an overwhelmed feeling in other ways.

So we have this great bonding conversation about the kids’ social lives and our home lives and all...

…And then she says, “I wish I’d’ve just let ____ bring a book. Then this all would have been totally fine.”

“Whoah,” I shake my head. “G wanted to bring his book too, and I just wanted him to try this and be here, try to connect and talk to people and practice social skills…you know? And it’s been pretty rough…WHY DIDN”T WE JUST LET THEM BRING THEIR BOOKS?”

We sad-smile at each other.

They could have sat together, reading. I bet they would’ve been totally happy, not careening or leaving. I bet they would’ve had the best time.

Next time.

                                      Figure II – What having a Book at a Party Can Feel Like with SPD

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

An InLinkz Link-up

TEAM FRIENDLY FACE

This is my plan: Over the next few months, I am going to somehow find those other kids (and their families) who are entering 7^th grade/middle school together who will NOT care if someone is “different” or “off” or “weird” and I am going to introduce them to each other. I want to have them know and remember each other’s faces so that when middle school starts they will have friendly faces in the halls and classrooms. (Also…I hope G and I will be able to recognize those friendly parents’ and kids’ faces!)

I both got this idea and started my search at the Middle School Orientation for parents with children in the “Special Education” program* (more on this, soon). Every single one of the parents there had direct, specific and personal concerns about their child getting bullied (among other things).

The woman to my right was crying as she spoke about her daughter being bullied “because she’s just…’off.’” Her fear about middle school was both reasonable and powerful. As she spoke, it occurred to me that my G could be a “friendly face” for her daughter – a peer who would never think she was “off”  -- and who wouldn’t care if she was, anyway! So I slipped her our digits with a little note to this effect.

I turned to look at another woman a few (empty) rows behind us, who’d been talking about her son’s difficulties in tying his shoes, how anxious and unhappy he will feel about this if other kids are judging him (and we’d almost all been nodding), thinking to give her our number too and her face was just – STRICKEN. She looked terrified and devastated and devoid of hope. Almost blank. I – with my sloooow thought process – processed that and then vowed to reach out to her as soon as we stood up. But she rushed out.

I am still thinking about “the lady who left,” because I feel like we need each other, and our kids need each other more…If I see her again – and recognize her, please – I will be quicker.

I will have neither dignity nor restraint when it comes to this mission. Nor will team members be limited to incoming 7th graders! Even online and long-distance friendships can be part of this new, classy, influential team, TEAM FRIENDLY FACE.

So, hey! Lady! And anybody else who might participate! If you are reading this, email me, okay? At the very least, take a moment to consider joining this team – or forming your own -- in whatever way feels right for you and yours. Let’s get our kids (or ourselves, or whatever!) together and build TEAM FRIENDLY FACE!

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

P.S. A TEAM-worthy post, courtesy of an honorary TEAM member: http://seriouslynotboring.com/2014/04/10/a-smile-instead-of-judgement/

* I wrote to the middle school special education people at the meeting:

Dear all,

I hope this finds you well. Thank you for last Tuesday's meeting.

I was wondering if there is any way to reach out to other parents, families and kids in this group. I think it could be enormously helpful to some of these kids to have as many friendly faces as possible in the halls and classrooms as they transition to middle school. I would be more than happy to be in charge of trying to make something happen, and to pay for materials (mailings?), host any event, etc. But I know because of privacy laws you cannot divulge any information to me. Perhaps I could write an email that you could then send to the other parents? I know that would be an effort for someone to input the email addresses but I think it would mean a lot to some of the families, especially the kids...Thoughts?
Thanks so much,

[Full Spectrum Mama]