I.
We are at a party. I am having a good time
because I am emotionally prepared, have had my one allotted beer, and know lots
of people. Z is fine, as always. G is careening around, reminding me of
Brownian Motion, not connecting.
He’s basically gorging on sweets and walking in
circles around the perimeter of the party.
I know he feels overwhelmed, maybe lonely too.
Figure I – What a Party Can Feel Like with SPD
II.
G is swinging on a vine outside the party.
“That kid is weird,” says a young white girl,
maybe 7 or 8 years old. Her two companions, same general description, nod their
heads.
Why? WHY IS MY KID WEIRD? What did he do? Seems
to me this vine-swinging is the most “normal” thing he’s done all night.
III.
G wants to leave, as he has from our moment of
arrival. I try to buy some time outside. A family - mother, father and child - are
standing nearby. The father takes the child, gets in the car and leaves. From
the child’s posture, I sense exhaustion.
“Too much?” I ask the mother.
“Yes,” she says.
“Sensory processing differences?” I wonder
aloud, not entirely sure why…just a gut feeling…
”Oh yeah - ___ [her child] is definitely
spectrumy.”
(Note: While not everyone with Sensory
Processing Disorder {SPD -- which I prefer to call “Sensory Processing
Differences,” by the way} is on the autism spectrum, most people on the
spectrum do have Sensory Processing Differences. Both ASDs {autism spectrum
disorders – though I do take issue with “disorders” in this label as well
[another post!]} and SPDs share the aspect of being neurological – vs emotional or psychological – differences.)
But back to “spectrumy:” Yay.
Now we
can talk. And we do. Our kids were in
different grades at the same school, which is why we looked familiar to one
another. At this party, while my G was blundering awkwardly around, her child
was getting and expressing an overwhelmed feeling in other ways.
So we have this great bonding conversation
about the kids’ social lives and our home lives and all...
…And then she says, “I wish I’d’ve just let
____ bring a book. Then this all would have been totally fine.”
“Whoah,” I shake my head. “G wanted to bring
his book too, and I just wanted him to try this and be here, try to connect and
talk to people and practice social skills…you know? And it’s been pretty
rough…WHY DIDN”T WE JUST LET THEM BRING THEIR BOOKS?”
We sad-smile at each other.
They could have sat together, reading. I bet they
would’ve been totally happy, not careening or leaving. I bet they would’ve had
the best time.
Next time.
Figure II – What having a Book at a Party Can
Feel Like with SPD
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
.jpg)
I relate to this on so many levels. Just like the other parent at the party, we are all in the same "club" and only those in the club can fully understand! What I'm leaving with ... let them be how they are and not how society thinks they should be? Good reminder!
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY! It's the Extremely Cool book-reading club, by the way!
DeleteLove,
FSM
So many times I try to get my son to do the things the way I want him to do it. It makes life so much easier when I embrace how and what he wants and let him do it is own way.
ReplyDeleteSo, so, soooooo true.
DeleteI am tying to get better at distinguishing between what I want him to do for his or my (or others') comfort/convenience and what he REALLY needs to know how to do.
Fine line, my friend.
Love,
FSM
Wow! As always, your posts really make me stop and think. So glad you were able to find someone else who "gets it" and can relate. And, truly, is it about having our child meet the expectations of others or is it about them finding their own comfort within the situation at hand? As you said, it is a fine line, but, in the end, if we're providing our children with the tools by which they can successfully navigate this world, then I say bring on the book club!
ReplyDeleteBig thanks, Jessica! What a kind thing to say.
DeleteAnd books are tools, right? I mean, they saved my life -- that's why I write!
Love,
FSM
I'm so glad that you connected with another parent who understands. Slowly, we will educate the rest of the world. Let the kids read books.
ReplyDeleteAGREED.
DeleteThanks and love, Shelah.
FSM
Great piece. I often find that my wants and desires get in the way of what's truly best for my kids. It's a constant struggle. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes…well…there's always next time. :-)
ReplyDeleteHah! Usually I'd prefer to be buried in a book myself, so maybe I was overcompensating?? Yes, there's always next time ;)
DeleteThanks, Jennifer!
Love,
FSM
Great post. The diagrams are perfect. Isn't it wonderful when you meet someone who "gets is?" I have met very few people in-person who do, but so many online. That's a start, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing!
YES! "Meeting" people (like you) online has given me the strength to make it through to these precious, rare in-person encounters.
DeleteLove,
FSM
I relate...but still have a hard time letting my kiddo take a book to a party. I will promise to try harder at the next event where I don't want him to that I will let him try and see if the outcome is different or better.
ReplyDeleteNow there's a good idea. Because, you know, who knows if i am getting too hopeful here. On the other hand, following this experience, I am more than willing to try it out ;)
DeleteLove,
FSM