STOP WHINING AND LEARN TO HANDLE DIFFICULTY!

Dear Persons,

Over the last few years, as I’ve had more books come out and gained a variety of speaking engagements, including two recent keynotes (watch here and here), a podcast (listen here), and other related work experience, I’ve started to expand my efforts into consulting. 

As part of that effort, I connected with a powerhouse corporate consultant and whipped up two proposed workshops to help corporations integrate neurodiversity and neuroscience into their environments and cultures.

The descriptions (* see full text below) were packed with hyper-positive reasons to embrace neurodivergent (ND) employees and extolled the benefits and advantages of a neurodiverse workforce. 

But I’m not sure anyone read through the proposals, since my distinguished professional collaborator was met with mutterings of DEI backlash rather than wild enthusiasm. 

Apparently, one charming fellow even suggested we “stop whining and learn to handle difficulty.” 

This gave me some ideas!

Never mind pesky topics like neuroscience, disability, neurodiversity, and intersectionality. 

I’m going to pivot! Circle back to the populations that TRULY need a strong advocate. 

Take people who sense that their advantages are slowly draining away from them. How about one-on-one coaching around “Staying Positive While Attempting to Forge a Path Back Toward More Privilege”? 

Or a workshop for individuals facing an onslaught of diversity in their community. This one could be called “What to Do When Homogeneity Is Challenged.” 

Consider a seminar tailored to address the downtrodden, angry leaders of corporations (or governments) that prefer to boldly eschew the legal, corporate, financial, ethical, and other advantages of actually including disabled people in their workforce (citizenry).

These inspiring workshops will help the many, many people who need to stop whining and learn to handle difficulty, or SWALTHD. 

No unimpeded access to exactly what you want all the time? 

No problem. 

The SWALTD Method© will teach you how to “Get what you get, and don’t get upset!”

The SWALTHD Method© can be deployed to help a variety of people such as: 

• Angry citizens who don’t think fancy drag queens should read books aloud in libraries.

• Individuals confused by linguistic progress. 

• Rich people grappling with a tiny bit of their money being unfairly taken in taxes for anti-poverty programs and education.

• Those who struggle with the way their cat ignores them.

• White men dealing with people of other genders and ethnicities sneakily stealing the opportunities that belong only to them. Because they are white. And male. 

• Anyone peeved by those pesky climate change-y people who want to not destroy the world. 

Please join me in considering the plethora of ways the SWALTHD Method© might be deployed to create positive evolution. 

Thanks and love,

Full Spectrum Mama

* Here is the full text of the proposed workshops:

Neurodivergence Training for HR/Welcoming Neurodivergent Employees/The Neurodiverse Workforce of the Future

Today’s constantly evolving, complex organizations need new ways of thinking if they are to thrive into the future. Neurodivergent people, who experience a range of brain differences including autism, ADHD, and bipolar, are our most iconoclastic and original thinkers. Yet most work environments and cultures are not set up to include, affirm, and welcome this vital population. An informed HR function can cultivate a range of neuro-affirming mindsets and practices, from sensory-positive materials and spaces to genuinely inclusive attitudes and clear, explicit expectations. Supporting leaders in welcoming the Neurodiverse workforce of the future will be key to this approach. Participants will collaboratively develop tools to improve workplace environments and cultures for the benefit of stakeholders [NOTE: I have subsequently stopped using this word] of all neurologies. This workshop is facilitated by Autistic author Jennifer Elizabeth Brunton, Ph.D., co-author of The #ActuallyAutistic Guide to Advocacy and The #ActuallyAutistic Guide to Building Independence.

Neuroscience and Leadership/Five-Brain Leadership/Full-Capacity Leadership/Leading With Your Whole Self

Neuromanagement strategies arise from the productive intersection of neuroscience and daily life in the business world. We will explore leadership based on a deeper understanding of all five of our interlocking brains—reptilian, emotional, rational, heart, and gut [incorporating a holistic understanding of Neurodiversity]. Through practical tools and exercises, you’ll learn how to build your capacity in each of these control centers, and to recognize all the ways they are at play in how humans operate, interrelate, and react to change. We’ll look at ways to improve not only executive function, focus, and project/time management, but also interconnection, communication, empathy, insight, and inclusivity. This interactive program will help managers deploy innovative, tailored approaches, and enable them to continue to reflectively hone their brain capacities at work and beyond. This workshop is facilitated by Jennifer Elizabeth Brunton, Ph.D., co-author of Five Brain Leadership: How Neuroscience Can Help You Master Your Instincts and Build Better Teams, The #ActuallyAutistic Guide to Advocacy, and The #ActuallyAutistic Guide to Building Independence.

 

CONGRATULATIONS/MY HEART JUST BROKE

Dear Persons,

I'm trapped in the kitchen with two beloved friends who are having a conversation that is killing me. Their concerns — top colleges, will they have to pay full tuition or get merit-based scholarships — are so far from mine. And my heart is breaking.

I’m at an intramural basketball game and the people behind me are discussing their kids’ SAT scores. And my heart is breaking. 

I could go on. And on. 

It’s been a struggle to write this post, because I don’t want people to feel nervous about talking to me, and I would NEVER want my son to feel he was a problem or burden or less-than in any way. 

So let’s get a few things clear:

1. I am happy for you and your child, truly I am.
2. I WANT you to talk to me and around me, freely.
3. I understand I am responsible for my own feelings.
4. I’m extremely, EXTREMELY proud of my kid, who is wonderful and perfect, exactly as he is.

But, as much as all individuals and families have their issues, life raising a child with special needs and/or having special needs in a “normal”/neurotypical world is just not the same as it is for neurotypical/typically abled individuals and families. And it needs to be okay to talk about that — to normalize those feelings and share ways to help ourselves and our kids move toward achievement and success, however we/they define those things.

So I share this heartbreak here — where people with differences and extraordinary challenges, along with their parents and loved ones, gather in community.

Most kids my son’s age are now going to parties, dating, driving, working, doing average or above average or spectacularly on the SATs/ACTs, going to college or about to, even thinking (at least somewhat realistically and practically) about careers. 

While kids on the spectrum usually complete high school, that accomplishment often entails the extended timeframe and/or extra supervision/accommodations/modifications specified by an IEP. 

At the same time — for both parents and kids — it’s somewhat easy through these school years to act as if many differences weren’t really impacting our lives. Everyone has the same schedule, and the same projected schedule, year wise, more or less.

But fewer than 20 percent of adults on the spectrum complete college.

And only 14 percent of adults on the spectrum are employed. 

So much has been written by parents, researchers, and allies about the period of diagnosis. How parents often need to give up their basic, original, often unconscious/taken-for-granted (that is, until brought into question when differences and challenges arise) dreams for their child. And then, how to cope with all that: Ideally, we adjust those dreams, replacing them with new ones.

There's less information out there about how your CHILD can face the potential loss of his/her/their dreams, or how to do so yourself when it’s your own life dreams that may be extremely difficult to attain (or impossible). 

It’s hard to find insights about how people transitioning to adulthood can achieve their basic goals and dreams in the face of extraordinary obstacles, most of which stem from a larger culture that does not necessarily support — never mind celebrate — people who may do things a bit differently. 

And there are a lot fewer resources in general available for adults.

In G’s particular situation, he’s already facing obstacles. Sure, lots of kids won’t get into Cornell, even with lots of hard work. And maybe there are other kids who want to be ornithologists and will have to try extra hard to get there. 

But for him, even dreaming of college is huge — and it will require many, many intricate factors to be wedged into place to even begin the process of moving toward his goals. 

Will his heart break, even a little, as he inevitably confronts his unique challenges?

Maybe less than mine does: He’s been understood, accepted, usefully diagnosed, supported, celebrated in his neurodiversity in ways that my generation largely was not. He’s whole, self-aware, untraumatized.  

We all have our heartbreaks. Just the other day, I thoughtlessly told a childless friend who has struggled with infertility that I couldn’t meet her because of something that came up with my kids. I winced: I could tell I’d thoughtlessly hurt her heart. And I was unsure of what to say or do. 

You know what? I bet that’s how people sometimes feel around me. Or you. 

So I tried to say something loving, understanding, and supportive. 

I guess that’s what G and I would probably like as well; but people are often clueless about this stuff.

So we deal as best we can. Extricating ourselves from some conversations, initiating others (as I am doing here). Being genuinely celebratory of others' success while refusing to let unfair barriers keep us down. Doing the work we need to do to heal, grow, and succeed. Persevering. 

And I’m hoping that when my heart is breaking (which feels frequent nowadays) it’s also cracking open, getting bigger — and thereby creating space for more compassion/wisdom/generosity, more faith in my child, more commitment to my advocacy work. 

As Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.”

In the bigger picture though, the vicissitudes of my heart take a distant second place to  the importance of this amazing neurodiverse young person finding his way in the world. 

Just as I adjusted and grew far beyond my original ideas about my child’s life, I hope he will dream big. And if he ever has to give up one dream, I hope he will replace it with a bigger, better one, one that mitigates any heartbreak. I hope he dares to imagine a world made fundamentally more whole by his contributions…

I wish the same for all of you and yours. 

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

 Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

An InLinkz Link-up

"I AM VERY FRIENDLY"

Vocational Rehabilitation is a federal-state program that helps people with differences/disabilities overcome barriers to employment, gain work skills, find jobs, and build careers.

Our local Voc Rehab office recently started a program called “Linking Learning to Careers,” which works with differently abled high schoolers to develop job skills and connect school work with work-work.

When G was filling out his application, he had to answer some questions about his skills and future plans. 

One question was “What strengths do you bring to school, work, and your future career?”  

G wrote, “I am very friendly.” 

Figure I — “I am very friendly.”

My heart sank a little. “Honey, that’s not…” — I looked at his little [huge baby man] face — “Never mind.” 

I almost began to spiral on that one, but I didn’t say anything. I want him to feel confident and value his own strengths, even if they might be seen as somewhat irrelevant by his mom — or completely useless by a future employer.

G and I had been participating in fundraising efforts for a school trip he wants to go on; and I’d been working on a calendar raffle handout that the kids could use to sell tickets. The day after G completed the Linking Learning to Careers application, I finished the calendar handout and students began to sell raffle tickets. 

That very day, G went out and sold all of his raffle tickets within an hour.

In the end, he exponentially outsold every other student in the group.

Figure II — Friendliness + Initiative = Success

Here’s how he explained it to me: “Mom, I’m on the spectrum, so I don’t know when to stop. I just keep asking!”

A few days later, G and the other runners received their participation awards at the end-of-season track banquet. The coach spoke a bit about each student. When it came to G, he said, “When we go to meets, [G] knows more people than the entire team combined.” 

There you go, I thought, there are those skills of friendliness he brings to school, work, and his future career…

G really, really wanted to go on that trip — and he made it happen. Heck, he wanted friends — and now he is friendly with hundreds of people. 

Sure, there are things I wish he would make an effort with that he doesn’t yet grasp the importance of, but when it really came down to it, G’s motivation and initiative helped him use his skill of friendliness to be truly successful. 

I hope that will continue to be true as he builds independence.

Our children (and selves!) with differences have amazing, sometimes-hidden or non-obvious gifts. These gifts become operationalizable — and that’s just sociologist-talk for making dreams come true — when fueled by real needs and wants.

This experience showed me we can all achieve success if both the success itself and the means of achieving it are meaningful to us and allow us to implement our unique skills. 

That might sound kind of basic, but it was a revelation to me. 

And it’s changed the questions I’m asking G as he moves out into the world. 

Instead of trying to ask questions that instill a “realistic” worldview and attitude — such as “Do you realize people how many hours you would have to work to buy those Magic the Gathering cards?” —  I’m wondering:

What are you passionate about? 

What do you truly want? 

What do you need for health and happiness? 

What unique skills do you bring to the table? 

AND

How can you connect all of these to live your best life? 

But honestly? I think G was way ahead of me on this. I was basing my approach on fear; while he bases his on hope. 

Love, 

Full Spectrum Mama

 Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop -- a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo -- from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month's Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

An InLinkz Link-up