I read a lot (a LOT) of posts – whether in
adoption communities or neurodiverse ones - about how people’s children are “making
progress.” Progress with sensory differences is one major theme, and uplifting,
inspirational posts can be found in abundance. I find a lot of news around
“progress” with a range of challenges in autism as well. Since I tend to only follow writers who start with the basic assumption of accepting
their diverse selves (and the diversity of their children) unconditionally, as
they are, I typically enjoy such posts, and think they give us all hope.
I've read and learned a lotlotlot about adoption and attachment disorders, too; and I'm grateful to have done so since it felt like we were desperate and failing as a family until we gained some context and strategies for my daughter's behaviors. For Z, who was adopted and has struggled with an attachment disorder, progress means healing - gradually - enough to let go of attachment disordered feelings (distrust, panic), and the habits and actions that come with those feelings. Progress, in Z's part of the Full Spectrum, is a unilaterally good and necessary thing.
I think a lot (a LOT LOT) about how much I do for my son, who is on the autism spectrum and has motor and executive function challenges, compounded by raging teen hormone fog (that’s a medical term). I wonder how much my “help” is actually enabling him -- in a codependent, non-helpful way -- to not learn how to do things, take responsibilities, etc. I try to remember that, but for safety concerns, it’s generally best for him to learn to take responsibility for himself and do his own stuff (dishes, cleaning, “organizing”...) even though he may actually make a much bigger mess doing so...
I think a lot (a LOT LOT) about how much I do for my son, who is on the autism spectrum and has motor and executive function challenges, compounded by raging teen hormone fog (that’s a medical term). I wonder how much my “help” is actually enabling him -- in a codependent, non-helpful way -- to not learn how to do things, take responsibilities, etc. I try to remember that, but for safety concerns, it’s generally best for him to learn to take responsibility for himself and do his own stuff (dishes, cleaning, “organizing”...) even though he may actually make a much bigger mess doing so...
He’ll never learn to live even partially on his
own if I keep waiting on him hand and foot – something I do basically because
it’s easier for me. As G takes on more day-to-day tasks, that is PROGRESS – and
it’s a good thing.
He’s also made huge strides socially, verbally,
in athletics...His momentum in all these areas is a testament to his hard work
and efforts.
As a neurodiverse adult, however, I sometimes
question a narrow view of the necessity and function of progress. I also I see
myself making so much less “progress” than my son does…
Big breath.
I wonder if, for me, it’s at this point more
about acceptance, whereas for him he’s still growing so, so much. While his presence during this period of
great growth certainly benefits those around him in increased awareness and good
company, it’s primarily about him. Teaching people is not his job, being his best G is his job.
My job, as his mother, is to help him become
the most content, competent person he can be, while respecting his unique
wonderfulness. I would also like him to “progress” in self-advocacy: both in
learning what he needs to succeed socially, academically, and so forth, and in
being able to express those needs in order to grow into who he wants to be. In any case, much as he
has never, ever been interested in even the slightest efforts at “passing,” he
wins most people over with his exuberance and huge heart and humor.
Me, I’m still growing inside to some extent,
but my PROGRESS is really more about learning about neurodiversity and
spreading that awareness, as well as advocacy in general -- and for my son and
me.
In images, I think it might go something like
so:
Figure I – Progress for G and Z
Figure II – Progress for Mama
Like so many phenomena, progress may be viewed as a Spectrum: for my daughter, it's a straightforward positive; for my son and me, it's more complicated. We need to make sure that our attempts at progress are in line with our inclusive values, rather than succumbing to the biased standards of a neurotypically-inclined mainstream. Ideally, my efforts at public advocacy, along with those of others in this blog hop and beyond, expand the possibilities for defining -- and celebrating -- our own progress, goals, and selves.
Love,
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
