HIGH SCHOOL PRAYERS

Dear Persons,

This post is a sequel to MIDDLE SCHOOL PRAYERS. I revisited that post while preparing this one, and found that it’s pretty much 100% still relevant.

Similarly, I would use the same disclaimer: basically: please feel free to substitute institutions (workplace? family? elementary school?), gender (I’ve occasionally written “he” because the child in question is my son, but I mean these prayers to be INCLUSIVE), labels, and language (God? Great Spirit? Goddess? People?) that feel right to you if you feel moved to share these prayers.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my child’s safe passage through Middle School with our sanity relatively intact. If it’s not too greedy, I would like to add on to my Middle School Prayers list. Following, please find a number of additional Prayers more specific to High School:

1. May my child not get lost in a larger setting. 

2. May my child not get anybody pregnant (for biological                 girls, please substitute “get pregnant”).

3. May I dole out the RIGHT amount of freedom to                     my child.

4. May my child always know deep down how much he                   (she) is loved.

Pretty simple requests -- and all probably shared by most parents and guardians of High Schoolers-to-be, right?

Yet, as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum with sensory processing differences (SPD), each Prayer has multiple layers for my family, as they must for so many families with significant differences. Please, dear readers and dear Universe, allow me to elaborate –

1. About the not-getting-lost bit. My child is one of the deepest, smartest people I know. He can read ANYTHING. But write? Not so much. Focus? Similar, unless we are discussing a special interest. Dyspraxia, SPD, and a general lack of executive function make mainstream school environments and requirements highly challenging for my child.

Add in a major life transition, a much larger student body, and MUCH less in-class paraprofessional support, and we have what feels to me like a perfect recipe for my child getting lost, falling between the cracks, getting shunted through...

During the High School Transition Meeting, when his case manager kept saying, “We see that all the time” to concerns raised by his Middle School Team, it did feel reassuring, but it also felt like G was being stereotyped. Like any child, G is an individual and I hope for him to continue to be seen as one in High School. I’m not sure yet what “success” will look like for my G – will he reach his academic potential in this setting? will he want and/or be able to go to college? – but I want him to have the chance to reach for it. I want him to know he is known.

Dear Universe, may our children find their own healthy, rewarding ways of learning, growing, and interacting in High School. May they be treated fairly, and may they be accepted and cared about for who they truly are by staff, teachers, and their fellow students.

2. Re: pregnancy.You know how all teenagers have lots and lots of hormones and very, very little sense? Well, imagine all the hormones with way less sense than that, even. Kind of makes ya nervous, right?

Then, dear Universe, we are on the same page. May our children have the opportunity to continue being children just a while longer, please.

3. Freedom. The vast majority of parents fully expect their children to be independent at some point. A small minority know with certainty that their child will never live on his or her own. We are in-between, and it’s a tough place to be. I want to do right by my child, who is still in the very beginning stages of developing life skills like judgment, executive function, common sense, perseverance. I want to respect him – and he’s very worthy of that respect, with all his wonderfulness and brilliance and perfection (said his mom). But I also need to make sure he doesn’t make irredeemable mistakes while these life skills are still emerging. And I need to be vigilant for the long term should some of those skills never emerge.

The transition into High School feels like the first time I will really, finally need to begin to actually figure out how our family will tackle these weighty issues.

Will G ever drive? I’m not sure. Should he? Probably not, at least any time soon! (I didn’t drive until my late thirties...) Will he desperately want to? Probably.

Will G ever be able to live on his own? Probably not without some help, whether from a case manager or partner. But I am not sure! He’s surprised me before with huge developmental and personal growth. I know he envisions an independent life for himself, but I also know he has no idea what that would entail. I’ll need to begin looking into guardianship options fairly soon if it seems like he won’t live on his own.

There are significant financial resources for some people with some disabilities. Would G feel insulted by the suggestion that he cannot create his own success on neurotypical world terms or glad to be able to focus on his interests? The huge part of me that has enormous respect for G dreads even raising this matter with him. Yet...when he tells me things like “there’s no reason to cut toenails” or I watch him approximate his idea of how a chore really should be done – and he has many original ideas about regular stuff like this every day – I cannot imagine him keeping a job or household. If he doesn’t “get it,” he’s not interested – so I imagine the key in the long term will be for him to be invested in daily life in such a way that such things as cutting toenails (and other hygiene matters), paying bills, putting in time earning a living, etc. will make sense and feel compelling to him on a level where he can achieve these basic skills. Here’s hoping High School will instill some good habits in this regard.

And then there’s the question of what will happen to him after I am gone if he can’t live on his own post-High School and into adulthood, which is the deepest, most constant fear of all of us with children (including grown children) who can’t necessarily navigate the neurotypical world in typical ways.

Whew – I am glad High school is four years long!

Dear Universe, may my child always have a safe home – where he learns, where he lives - where he is free to be himself.

4. On Love: Recently, my behavior generally gets interpreted by my teen in one of two ways: I am either invasive and embarrassing (smothering) or I’m uncaring and have hurt his feelings (abandonment). I can’t win. This is developmentally appropriate (see above hormones, lack of sense, etc.), but the combination of extra social and academic challenges he will experience make his feeling consistently loved even more of a priority. This, even as his interpretations and perspective are inflected by different ways of interpreting/perceiving my intentions, feelings, and actions - and those of others around him. It remains to be seen how this dynamic will play out in High School.

Dear Universe, despite his developmentally-appropriate sour attitude and unique, quirky ways of processing interactions, may my child know he is loved – enormously – exactly as he is as he makes his way into and through High School.

Dear Universe, for all the children privileged to be going back to school, and for ALL children, I wish these good things and more.  

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

Welcome to the Sensory Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from sensory bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have Sensory Processing Disorder and to raise a sensory kiddo!

An InLinkz Link-up

FULL FRONTAL - A NEURO-MOMENT

“You need to be your teens’ ‘frontal lobes’ until their brains are fully wired.”

Dear Persons,

  

I found this quote, from The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen, in an 8/31/15 New Yorker article, “The Terrible Teens: What’s wrong with them?” by the highly-respected Elizabeth Kolbert (all following quotes are from this article unless otherwise specified). Kolbert usually writes searing, devastating pieces on global warming and the environment, but apparently she’s also the mother of three teenage sons, and so had a personal interest in this subject as well. Frances Jensen is herself “a mother, an author, and a neurologist,” who has two sons who have now graduated from their respective (very good) colleges. We will leave aside the question of how these two mothers are so incredibly accomplished, naturally doing so in a totally unbitter way, and now proceed to discuss how and why something is “wrong” with teenage brains.

...Something is wrong with teenage brains. And what that is, is: teens are not yet fully-brained.

This is news?

Even Aristotle (~384-322 BCE) felt that the young are lacking wisdom or even the capacity for reason. In his Nichomachean Ethics, he wrote that youth are so “inexperienced,” and “tend[ing] to follow his [sic] passions” that “studying [here, reason and philosophy] will be vain and unprofitable.”

But Kolbert, Jensen, et al bring the science: Apparently, everything we think of as mature, wise, balanced, reasonable, “civilized, intelligent,” comes from our frontal and prefrontal lobes. Since brain development has been determined to start in the rear sections of the brain and move forward, these areas are the very last to mature. In fact, according to MIT.edu and many other sources, full brain maturity may not occur until far into the 20s, usually around 25 years of age. The BBC News, among others, extends this into the early 30s.

In teens, the frontal and prefrontal lobes of the brain are not yet completely integrated or connected with other more impulsive or pleasure-oriented parts of brain, the latter of which are in fullest-ever force during these years. Usually, in full-brainers such as ourselves, the frontal and prefrontal lobes will “check on impulses originating in other parts of the brain.” For teens, who are still developing those links, checks and balances are rare to nonexistent. Since these front bits of the brain are also the seat of executive function – “responsible for planning, for self-awareness, and for judgment”—organization and follow-through are also at a low point.

Now imagine all of this plus atypical neurological development. In certain ways, aspects of autism and other neurodiverse ways of being such as ADHD, may resemble - or partially overlap with - or exacerbate! - the typical teenage brain.

What I really, really want to know is: Does this mean my son may actually someday develop some sense? I do and will celebrate all of his other quirkinesses and differences, but the sheer dangerousness of his unique developmental status in this area, combined with the natural teen/20s[/30s] propensity toward rash, foolish, irresponsible behavior, is alarming. At some point, he needs - for his own safety and independence - to somehow make, integrate, and strengthen those neural connections.

In any case, allistic or neurodiverse, teens also quite blatantly lack some of the central capacities we regard as integral to prudent, productive, safe human existence.

As solutions, Jensen and Kolbert recommend the following hi-tech tools:

            * “near constant hectoring,”

            * “scare tactics:” telling terrible cautionary tales at every opportunity, and

* calling other parents to make sure your teens are never alone at their houses, either (representative teen quote following this strategy: “Why even have kids if you are going to do that?”),

...in order to:

* force our kids into faking or parroting some modicum of executive function, responsibility, and do-right,

* supervise teens’ every move, since they are personally incapable of judgment, and, most importantly, to,

* frighten our kids into not doing all the stupid things they are naturally prone to doing.

Count me in: I never thought I would be this kind of parent but, given what I’ve learned and experienced so far, I agree with them on every level. They admit, however – and I agree with this, too - that not only were/are their teens’ immediate responses “not always encouraging,” but that there is “no empirical evidence” that any of this works.

Nonetheless, it’s all we’ve got. So, for the next 8-20 years, you may call me “Full Frontal Mama.”

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

KID KOAN II

How do you get your child to successfully complete their homework with minimum damage to family life?

To ponder:

On the Mystery of Not-Knowing:

What do you do when your bright child can understand and is assigned advanced math and science but still doesn’t spell, punctuate, space words properly, write on lines, focus, care, keep track of work, or have any detectible executive function OR discipline? When, in addition, s/he gets increasingly angry or tearful when you merely try to get him/her to do homework?

To ponder:

On the Virtue of “Helping:”

My friend over at Runaway Mama cracked me up with this one: The Homework Hokey Pokey:

I read, relating, laughing, crying, and commented as follows:

Homework right now, it's fair to say, is almost ruining my relationship with my son. That dance [her “homework hokey pokey”] is entirely too familiar. The balance is so much harder and feels more crucial when your child has learning and neurological differences...He'd be failing without oversight (MAJOR oversight) and yet is highly intelligent. I try to make sure he DOES and HANDS IN his homework, without ever doing it FOR HIM. If that makes sense...That alone is practically a full time job...

Yuck.

To ponder:

On Validation, as a Sort of Loving-Kindness (Metta) Meditation, from the Asperger Experts (a duo of young gentlemen on the spectrum who tell it like it is {from their points of view} and advise families):

What we want is for our support systems to step in and actually support us by validating our struggles... INSTEAD of always trying to "fix" the situation.

How do you validate someone?

You listen to them.

You hear them.

You take them where they're at instead of asking them to be somewhere or something they're not.

You stop what you're doing and become available for them.

This does not mean offering advice. This means simply listening. 

Period. The end.

I LOOOVE me some Asperger Experts. But this homework situation unquestionably needs “fixing.” When they advise parents – AKA “support systems” -- to listen deeply, to validate, and we do so...Do we then get to do the “homework hokey pokey”? I will keep listening, but how will that get my son to begin to take some initiative with his homework and not fail eighth grade? Surely he is validated by now; in fact, I sometimes think an overabundance of self-esteem is part of the problem.

To ponder:

On the Universal Nature of Universal Design:

Is it possible that Universal Design is not as universal as it is intended to be? This question comes up in my own teaching: which “malfunctions” in the homework department stem from learning differences per se, which are a result of executive function challenges, and which arise from sheer triflingness? And how on earth do we distinguish between these, as students, as parents, as teachers????

To ponder:

On the Practice of Email:

When you are emailing about homework with your son’s case manager [Thank you, C, you are an angel!], at length, more than once, on a Saturday night, is it too much?

Deep, Responsive Thought:

Yes.

Was that scary enough for Halloween? If you’d prefer, you can read about and even justify holiday candy consumption here.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

WHAT IS PROGRESS?

I read a lot (a LOT) of posts – whether in adoption communities or neurodiverse ones - about how people’s children are “making progress.” Progress with sensory differences is one major theme, and uplifting, inspirational posts can be found in abundance. I find a lot of news around “progress” with a range of challenges in autism as well.  Since I tend to only follow writers who start with the basic assumption of accepting their diverse selves (and the diversity of their children) unconditionally, as they are, I typically enjoy such posts, and think they give us all hope.

I've read and learned a lotlotlot about adoption and attachment disorders, too; and I'm grateful to have done so since it felt like we were desperate and failing as a family until we gained some context and strategies for my daughter's behaviors. For Z, who was adopted and has struggled with an attachment disorder, progress means healing - gradually - enough to let go of attachment disordered feelings (distrust, panic), and the habits and actions that come with those feelings. Progress, in Z's part of the Full Spectrum, is a unilaterally good and necessary thing. 

I think a lot (a LOT LOT) about how much I do for my son, who is on the autism spectrum and has motor and executive function challenges, compounded by raging teen hormone fog (that’s a medical term). I wonder how much my “help” is actually enabling him -- in a codependent, non-helpful way -- to not learn how to do things, take responsibilities, etc. I try to remember that, but for safety concerns, it’s generally best for him to learn to take responsibility for himself and do his own stuff (dishes, cleaning, “organizing”...) even though he may actually make a much bigger mess doing so...

He’ll never learn to live even partially on his own if I keep waiting on him hand and foot – something I do basically because it’s easier for me. As G takes on more day-to-day tasks, that is PROGRESS – and it’s a good thing.

He’s also made huge strides socially, verbally, in athletics...His momentum in all these areas is a testament to his hard work and efforts.

As a neurodiverse adult, however, I sometimes question a narrow view of the necessity and function of progress. I also I see myself making so much less “progress” than my son does…

Big breath.

I wonder if, for me, it’s at this point more about acceptance, whereas for him he’s still growing so, so much.  While his presence during this period of great growth certainly benefits those around him in increased awareness and good company, it’s primarily about him. Teaching people is not his job, being his best G is his job.

My job, as his mother, is to help him become the most content, competent person he can be, while respecting his unique wonderfulness. I would also like him to “progress” in self-advocacy: both in learning what he needs to succeed socially, academically, and so forth, and in being able to express those needs in order to grow into who he wants to be. In any case, much as he has never, ever been interested in even the slightest efforts at “passing,” he wins most people over with his exuberance and huge heart and humor.

Me, I’m still growing inside to some extent, but my PROGRESS is really more about learning about neurodiversity and spreading that awareness, as well as advocacy in general -- and for my son and me.

In images, I think it might go something like so:

Figure I – Progress for G and Z

Figure II – Progress for Mama

Like so many phenomena, progress may be viewed as a Spectrum: for my daughter, it's a straightforward positive; for my son and me, it's more complicated. We need to make sure that our attempts at progress are in line with our inclusive values, rather than succumbing to the biased standards of a neurotypically-inclined mainstream. Ideally, my efforts at public advocacy, along with those of others in this blog hop and beyond, expand the possibilities for defining -- and celebrating  -- our own progress, goals, and selves.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

Welcome to the Sensory Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from sensory bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about what it’s like to have Sensory Processing Disorder and to raise a sensory kiddo!

An InLinkz Link-up

THE MATURE HARD TIMES ALTERNATOR

I recently became aware of an extension to an earlier hypothesis around the distribution and amelioration of Hard Times. This revelation came about during a moment where it was all I could do to keep my sanity because waaaaaaaaaaay too much stuff was going down. In the presence of my children, I had a major – and, apparently, noticeable --  lapse of my usual Momveneer* of steady competence and cheer – and Guess What!

The kids could actually handle it.

G, usually happily – to his mother, scarily - devoid of Executive Function and Mundane Practical Concerns/Attention, became suddenly attuned to things he’d never seemed to even register before: “Mom, don’t you need to put your turn signal on here?” he asked, to my utter astonishment (filtered through a murky haze of despair). “You seem like you are not focusing,” he told me a few minutes later. “Do you need to take a break?”

Meanwhile Z, who is not known for being forthcoming about her intentions or actions, became crystal clear, meticulous and solicitous: “May I get a glass of water?” (My reaction, percolated via a thick fog of dejection: HUH???) “May I get you a glass of water too?” “How are you doing, Mama?”

It gradually dawned on me that what I was experiencing was a manifestation of The MATURE Hard Times Alternator. I had been well aware of the machinations of The Hard Times Alternator (THTA) in my children, but did not know that it was also potentially a major player in any Full family dynamic. Adults are usually a peripheral factor in the HTA equation. I hadn’t realized grownups sometimes – however momentarily - merit this sort of ethereal (yet, when necessary, child-incorporating) intervention!

Figure I – The Mature Hard Times Alternator in Action, utilizing the

    “Poorly Behaved” Model of  Poor Behavior

This flare-up of The Mature Hard Times Alternator is not something I would want to incur too often. I like to let my kids be kids, and I think some of their response was out of anxiety. Plus, that sort of disastrophe pile-up is not something I’d like to endure with any frequency. It was nonetheless liberating and reassuring in the way it revealed the junior Full Spectrums’ potential capabilities -- and to see them step up when called for by TMHTA.

This holiday season, may your HTA in be in good working order; and may your MHTA be at the ready…should that by any chance become necessary.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

*Veneer! I said veneer!

SPD, ASD, ABC, DEFD....

Please note: this post is part of the Sensory Blog Hop, which is sponsored by the fabulous Jenny (what a great name!) over at The Sensory Spectrum and The Jenny Evolution. I accepted the invitation to participate as a way to get more exposure for FSM, but it has become a wonderful, inclusive, helpful community for all us SPD Blog Hoppers. Please do click on the links below for fresh and inspiring perspectives and meet some very worthwhile new pals.

When my little fella started seventh grade this fall, I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. 

However, it seems to be going very well..socially...which is...a surprise.

And then there are his grades. Which are terrible.

You see, his ASD and SPD are a big part of his DEFD and this causes a decline in his ABCs.

Get it? No? Please allow me to break it down:

ASD officially stands for Autism Spectrum Disorder. I don’t like “Disorder,” so I end the phrase with Difference. G is on the Autism Spectrum. He’s autistic in the way that used to be officially called Asperger’s.

Among other things, this means G has challenges in the social realm.

SPD officially stands for Sensory Processing Disorder. I do the same here, calling it Sensory Processing Differences. G has sensory processing differences, as most people on the spectrum do, as many people in his biological family – including me – do…

Among other things, this means that G is extraordinarily neurologically and sensorially sensitive in certain ways, while in other ways he may seem “undersensitive.” Put another way, the systems of people with SPD tend to pay more or less attention to feelings and sensory input than is “normal.”

Each person with SPD is different. (Sometimes when one area seems “undersensitive” it is because an individual with SPD is already overwhelmed from “oversensitivity” in another area!)

DEFD stands for Determinants of Executive Function and Dysfunction. Executive Function – the ability to process and enact a series of thoughts and actions in an effective way -  has never been a strong point for G. This fall, his already low levels of EF took a major dive.

So did his grades – his ABCs, if you will.

The way I see it, these acronyms and what they represent in my G (and others) are all intimately connected: Each person has a given amount of energy. When it takes More energy just to function socially, resources available for other aspects diminish.

I figure there’s only so much G to go around, and, currently, it’s almost entirely being utilized in this area of Social Skills -- which has been a lifelong challenge for him.

                       Figure I – Allocation of Energy Pie Chart                

He's enjoying seventh grade (?!)  – and “extremely popular.” I should note that from what I can see and from what G tells me (limited!) this all seems to be happening on G’s terms, that is to say he is popular and liked For Himself, the quirky and brave kid that he is [sniff!].  Given this turn of events, I pooh-pooh EF and the desire for As (…and Bs…).

For now.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama

An InLinkz Link-up

MIDDLE SCHOOL* PRAYERS**

(SUBSTITUTION POLICY:

Please feel free to change the terms of any of these prayers** if they feel useful to you! For example: *“Middle School,” might become ANY school or institution or event or transition; **“prayers” might become wishes or hopes or a more formal type of prayer…

This post comes out of our Middle School Special Education Transition Orientation meeting, in which most of the parents were crying – and shared many of these concerns; it also comes out of my own fears about this transition; and from a few things G – who’s playing it mellow on this one -- has said. But I think the generalities and specifics may apply in a lot of situations.

I open with “Dear Universe” because it seems most inclusive and I love how the literal translation -- “one song” – includes and unifies this big ol’ glorious mess of a world. Please substitute God (however you mean this word, or whatever word your faith uses), or any other concept here, including “Dear me, may I do my best to ensure that…”)

Dear Universe,

May our children have a gentle transition to Middle School. Specifically,

1.      May they not succumb to the horrors of Homework –

a.       In the DOING of the Homework, may they not find it such that it is “the last straw” in a day in which there have already been enough struggles to succeed, often in areas of extraordinary challenges,  whether social, academic, emotional, neurological, physical...

May they have time, still, to be kids. May they have time to play with their families, rather than always trying to “catch up” on all these many levels – and rather than their families having to spend most of their time together waging mighty battles in the effort to compel our children to complete said Homework.

May you uplift the brave Mama of the Middle School Special Education Transition Orientation meeting who saw fit to refuse to force her child to do Homework because she chose, instead, to let her child have fun following her child’s very, very hard work during the school day.

b.      And, Dear Universe, even more specifically, in the matter of the KEEPING TRACK OF the Homework, may we all gain skill and patience in this area, for  it is immeasurably harder to get kids who are already at their limit to bring home extensive and organized information about assignments.

While we may take advantage of online and phone resources at the Middle School, may that extra step send neither we nor our children “over the edge.”

2.      May our children be undaunted and unbowed by the rigors and pitfalls of Physical Education --
.

a.       May their PARTICIPATION be unmarred by being always last chosen and barely tolerated…May all games be inclusive – and may the choosing of the teams, if teams there be, occur by fair and just and random means.

May the words of the outgoing principal at the Middle School Special Education Transition Orientation meeting, “We think it’s important for all students to fully experience this social, competitive aspect of middle school,” have been misspoken, for, when they were spoken, you, O Universe, could hear the air go out of the room. You could hear, surely, the thoughts of the people of the Middle School Special Education Transition Orientation meeting and they were: Compete? Really? Some of our kids can’t catch balls. That does not make them “less than,” but listen lady, for most of us P.E. is not gonna be a strong suit for our kids…

b.      May the new ritual of CHANGING for P.E. be less agonizing and costly than we expect. Please watch over our children as they attempt to tie their shoes, maintain a modicum of executive function, not lose EVERYTHING, put on and take off the right clothes at the right time and in the right order, not stare inappropriately, and so forth.

And, lo, though they may not succeed in these efforts, may they nonetheless not get teased in the locker room for these or any of many other possible reasons…:

1.      In the matter of our kids’ UNDERWEAR, may you ensure that nothing too awkward or inappropriate happens during the aforementioned change? Please? One parent asks, as she did of me yesterday, may we ensure that my child does not have little kid underwear on? Also, may the underwear be pulled neither way too high nor way too low? May G, for example, not wear his underwear backwards and in a total wedgie as he is generally wont to do?  

We are not asking for a trade, Dear Universe, but we do agree to do everything in our power to make sure these risks are minimized, such as the pre-departure underwear check; it’s just that the locker room itself is out of our hands.

3.      Bullying. Universe, You know this is a HUGE one for those of us with differences and/or with children with differences!

a.       May our children not BE BULLIED.

Yes, Dear Universe, we know that Middle School is the world epicenter of bullying, and we know that kids who are different get bullied MORE …yet we dare to dream that our prayers that our children not be bullied might be answered, whether by a zero-tolerance school environment, social skills classes, that one cool kid is who so cool he or she doesn’t need to shun someone who’s “weird,” some combination of these, etc.

MAY NO CHILDREN - ANYWHERE - BE VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE FOR ANY REASON, O Universe. And may this particular prayer be as unnecessary as it should be, rather than as ridiculous and unrealistic as it actually is. 

b.      May our children not be misperceived as BULLYING -- or pushed into BULLYING by peer pressure or anxiety, or by being BULLIED:

There is then the type of scenario where our kids act in ways that appear to be bullying when in fact they are just clueless…and sometimes, like my G, really large and intimidating despite being a gentle and loving lambikin.

And there’s the scenario where someone who is already struggling is forced over their sensorial or social tolerance limit to a point where they lash out in what feels like self-defense.

The overall high levels of social awkwardness and hierarchical jostling that accompany this transition make these kinds of mixups more likely and we pray, Dear Universe, that our children be kept safe from these dreadful possibilities.

4.      May the issue of varying levels of Maturity – Or lack thereof -- …combined with hormones…oh dear.

May we somehow help our children navigate this particular minefield with aplomb.

Or at least a minimum of outright disastrophes.

G and his peers on the autism spectrum may by definition have developmental delays and those, combined with certain physical developments, make for a complicated mix.  Other non-spectrum-y kids in Special Education may have similar issues, including challenges around judgment and impulse control.

Heading into a context where almost everybody is a seething mass of hormonal, social and mental changes will be…interesting at best.

Dear Universe, you’ll recall when I was a VERY young 12. Curious about sex, hormonal, but very, very innocent. G is similar, but, if it’s possible, even more oblivious. What G lacks in commonsensicals, he certainly makes up for in heart-of-gold, but I am not convinced this combo will serve him well for the next year or two.

Therefore, in your infinite wisdom and harmony may you at least try to help him and the rest of our children entering Middle School to not embarrass themselves unduly.

Please watch over our children and prevent them from seeming to be stalkers. 

We beg - beg! - that you not let them be taken advantage of. 

Also, please see that the age of their bodies and the age of their minds and emotions correspond at least slightly, both within their own beings and amongst their friends.

And may they find friends, O Universe. Even just one friend. One who doesn’t care if they still like playing, for instance, pokemon.

5.      May our children operate their Lockers –

Dear Universe, can you see our kids being really great with the whole locker thing? The whole make way directly to locker/remember the combination/get the thing (or things) that was needed from locker and/or place the thing (or things) that was no longer needed in locker/close locker/find way back to where supposed to be thing?

Yeah…no. We can’t either.

Well what about the part where someone goes with them and oversees the whole thing – we’re so sure that will go over great in Middle School. Not.

Or maybe we could give them a list of the above steps to follow (read: give them a list to lose on the first day of school)?

Dear Universe, can you please O please manage this one somehow for the sake of our dear children?

Because this is one where our fear is mighty and legit, albeit probably incomprehensible to some.

6.      May our children learn Self-Advocacy –

For we are not omnipresent – and we are sometimes, we admit, exhausted. As well, mortal.

           

If possible, may they begin to integrate, for themselves, some components of self-advocacy development, however small, however basic: what questions will I need to ask to complete this assignment? Where will my challenges be and how can I access the help I need to be successful? What are my rights and responsibilities -  here, now?

If possible, may their Executive Function improve such that they are developing in awareness of what they need and how they may best be served in their own actions and in the resources available to them…

And, whether or not our children are mainstreamed or in more specialized programs, semi-independent or not-,

7.      May the help they are given be Helpful and not Non-Helpful –

Over the years there have been periods where I would begin to see some or all of G’s work and assignments written out in someone else’s handwriting. Dear Universe, as you are no doubt aware, G is able to write. Does it take him longer to write something than the average student or adult paraprofessional? Yes. Does he have dysgraphia and other learning differences around writing? Yes. Yet having someone do all his work for him is unequivocally NON-helpful help. I suspect the paras in question were trying to be kind, or to speed things up, make things easier for all parties…In any case I know they were not intending to deprive my son of a learning opportunity. But that is just what they were doing.

Dear Universe, some of us fear that in the larger Middle School context, it might seem easier to just sort of pass our kids through the system, using precisely this sort of non-helpful (to our children) help. This would be a great loss for our children.

May our children instead benefit from Flexible Support, where sensitive teachers and helpers recognize when help is truly needed but pull back to allow students to fly on their own where they are able to fly; sometimes, when necessary, fluffing up their feathers and wings, and, the rest of the time, letting students make their own, probably imperfect but unique and rewarding flights…

May we, the staff, their peers, and their teachers balance our children’s overt needs – for security, for routine, for “success” and success – with the myriad of wonderful possibilities for new experiences and learning out there in Your Universe, Dear Universe.

Big thanks.

Love,

Full Spectrum Mama