Tra la la…”Sweet lovers love the spring…”*
Tra la…
Let’s see…
This time last year, we were in discussions about a possible
504 Plan** for Z. The year before that, we sought attachment-disorder-specific
therapy for a situation that was spiraling out of control – and out of the
range of bearable.
This spring we are facing a renewed cycle of tantrums and
other behaviors, many of which have lain dormant since as long ago as, well, last
spring. I’ve had to write Z’s teacher several times explaining that she had not
had breakfast due to a meltdown; now I know to pack extra snacks – stuff like
that.
While Z sometimes says things she intends to be very hurtful
(a wee bit embarrassingly for all, these things often seem funny to adults in
the vicinity: “You stupid poopoo mother I will hate you forever and kill you
With! This! Doll! And then I will never! Ever! Eat the BAD, DUMB dinner you
cook again!”), she more often proceeds directly to the pre-verbal, with growls,
shouts, kicks and screams prevailing.
We’ve come to understand that this regressive behavior demonstrates Z’s
ongoing need to be nurtured as (if she were still) a baby.
The cycle of the seasons clearly has deep meaning for
Z. The merry infant who smiled
back at us from her taken-in-February referral photo had, by the time we
arrived in China in July (this was as fast as the process allowed) to bring her
home, seen and felt things no child should endure. I cannot say whether Z
endured any definite abuse. We were not allowed to enter the orphanage in
Fuzhou (Jiangxi province). Certainly there was a significant level of neglect,
and, judging by how skinny Z was -- and how voracious – a bona fide shortage of
food.
Z’s orphanage experiences are still reverberating in her
body and mind in ways unfathomable to those of us who at the very least had
adequate food and some constant presence in our infancies.
Sure, we’d all like to have been loved unconditionally and
to have known we came first to our parents and maybe some of us didn’t get that
and yeah, that sucks. No, it really does.
And we - some of us - do have cavernous, terrible, enduring holes inside where
that love should have gone. But anyone privileged enough to be reading (or
writing) this blog probably had their most basic needs met. Z didn’t. She’s
traumatized. It comes out in the spring.
As the years have gone by and we have been able, with the
help of our therapist, to identify this pattern, it has helped all of us feel
less hopeless. It’s given us some context, rather than leaving us flailing in
the dark as our family degenerates, seemingly out of the blue. I can say to Z,
“Springtime is sometimes hard for you,” and that might let her know both that
she is accepted and that this, too, shall pass.
We are not alone in having a child who hits a rough patch in
the spring (or in some other cyclical context). Whether through embodied
trauma, allergies, transitions…certain times of the year can trigger strong,
often unhealthy behaviors and feelings.
This spring, partially to address these issues and partly
because we’ve put our house on the market, we embarked on The Deep Cleaning of
the Bedrooms. While each child cleans his or her room weekly, with some help
from Mama, this was a whole different endeavor. I swear, between recycling and
straight up trash I hauled several hefty bags out of each child’s room.
G’s room was a giant mess, but Z’s room was a project. A certain kind of masterpiece, actually. Millions
of tiny twists of paper had been squirreled away in every possible crevice.
There were a lot of unfamiliar (to me, anyway) toys, and pieces of candy and
candy wrappers and Oreos (Oreos??!) in hidey-holes and in bags within bags
(whenever I come across a snazzy second hand purse or am given one, it goes
straight to Z).
Progressing from irritation to wonder, and back and forth
again, I stood in awe at the complexity and skill of Z’s hoarding.
When we were done (after many, many sensory breaks for all)
and we’d dealt with the garbage and recycled the recycling, Z was as happy as
I’ve ever seen her. You could actually see how light she felt, how purged. Without prompting, she
expressed her desire to “be really peaceful all the time now!” and to “draw
instead of ripping and hiding things!”
Nice ideas. Let’s hope they work, at least a little. Spring
cleaning is traditional in many cultures
and maybe there is a deeper source to this impulse than just the practical,
cleaning-cleaning part.
In any case, I do believe we will aim for a Deep cleaning
every Spring from here on in.
I’ve always suspected that when parents try to correct for
the wrongs done them by their parents they probably will be causing equal yet opposite forms of wrongs to their own children. Butanyway, I
try to work on the heart level too, because my generation is big on endowing
our children with unconditional love.
Sometimes we have this exchange, which both children find
quite boring:
FSM: “Do you know what is the most important thing on earth
to me?”
Children: “We are.” (Ho Hum.)
FSM: “Do I love you completely in every way no matter how
you act?”
Children: “Yeeees.” (With ennui.)
FSM: “What do I think you are?”
Children: “Marvels.”
Marvels! The great cellist Pablo Casals said this about
children:
Each second we live is a new and
unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do
we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris
is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should
say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are
unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child
like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may
become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for
anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm
another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make
the world worthy of its children.
Pablo Casals (1876
- 1973)***
Springtime at the Orphanage might’ve been terrible, but,
here, it’s got marvels too.
Love,
Full Spectrum Mama
* "It Was a Lover and His Lass"
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
It was a lover and his lass,
With a
hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
That o’er the green cornfield did pass,
In
springtime, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding;
Sweet lovers love the spring.
Between the acres of the rye,
With a
hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
Those pretty country folks would lie,
In
springtime, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding;
Sweet lovers love the spring.
This carol they began that hour,
With a
hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
How that a life was but a flower
In
springtime, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding;
Sweet lovers love the spring.
And therefore take the present time,
With a
hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
For love is crownèd with the prime
In
springtime, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding;
Sweet lovers love the spring.
** 504 Plans relate to a wide range of “impairments” to
learning, the variety of which may or may not fall under “Special Education”
criteria. Z’s disruptive classroom behavior -- which stemmed from her
attachment disorder -- was impairing her ability to learn as well as disturbing
her teacher and fellow students.
Question: What Is a 504 Plan?
Answer: The "504" in "504 plan" refers
to Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act and the Americans with Disabilities
Act, which specifies that no one with a disability can be excluded from
participating in federally funded programs or activities, including elementary,
secondary or postsecondary schooling. "Disability" in this context
refers to a "physical or mental impairment which substantially limits one
or more major life activities." This can include physical impairments;
illnesses or injuries; communicable diseases; chronic conditions like asthma,
allergies and diabetes; and learning problems. A 504 plan spells out the
modifications and accommodations that will be needed for these students to have
an opportunity perform at the same level as their peers, and might include such
things as wheelchair ramps, blood sugar monitoring, an extra set of textbooks,
a peanut-free lunch environment, home instruction, or a tape recorder or
keyboard for taking notes.
